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Quote: 737196; Rating: 393; [+|-]
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<Teksura> I got a great Anecdote for you.
<Teksura> Today I was at College, and I was with a good friend of mine. She has been there for me for the past year and has given me all the Doctor Who fandom I could ask for
<Teksura> Today I went to give her a ride home because I'm just that nice a guy
<Teksura> So, as we are on the way to my car, some random freshman stops us
<Teksura> Aparently, he knew me from high school, but I have no idea who the heck he is.
<Teksura> Well, he starts talking about stuff that I like to pretend never happened, stuff that you only bring up if you want to make someone embarrassed
<Teksura> So, suddenly, I get one of my trademark cunning plans
<Teksura> I pull $20 from my wallet and say "Look, I don't know who you are, but seeing as you only want to talk about things that you know I don't ever want spoken, I'll give you $20 if you go away."
<Teksura> He agrees and reaches for the $20
<Teksura> "Nono, you haven't gone away yet. You're still here. I will give you the $20 after you go away."
<Teksura> So he says "OK" walks off.
<Teksura> I pocket my $20 and take my friend to my car before he figures out what I just did.
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Quote: 737263; Rating: 1040; [+|-]
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<Zenji> My brother who hasnt talked to my Dad in like a year or so got a chick pregnant.
<Zenji> He notified my Dad by sending him a "Worlds Number 1 Grandfather" card.
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Quote: 737264; Rating: 34; [+|-]
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<QuartzImg> damn, unfortunately ill be missing the crab race
<llamamall> do they pick them right off the pubes?
<QuartzImg> ever seen Maryland crabs?
<binrapt> I said do you enjoy the smell of your genitals
<QuartzImg> I cant really sniff them
<QuartzImg> Maryland crabs are about the size of a small cat
<QuartzImg> and bright blue
<QuartzImg> and evil
<llamamall> wow
<llamamall> would suck to have those in your pubes
<QuartzImg> i know
<QuartzImg> they weigh like 3 lbs max
<QuartzImg> that would be a nasty tug
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Quote: 737270; Rating: 405; [+|-]
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<Setoshi> im sad
<Setoshi> how i wanted to download house season 1
<Setoshi> and i got the full house season 1
<Setoshi> what a fucking waste
<KN> rofl!!!!!!
<Setoshi> dude but i seriously got pissed
<Setoshi> i saw michelle's face I was like
<Setoshi> WTF IS THIS
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Quote: 737318; Rating: 902; [+|-]
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<Python> Did you fall from a shooting star?
<silly_girlie> hehe
<silly_girlie> ahh sure why not
<GLT23> because your face looks like it slammed into earth at 1500 mph? is that the end of the pickup line?
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Quote: 737380; Rating: 531; [+|-]
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<trips> Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dialup, I will fear no lag: for thou art with me; thy lights and thy bandwidth they comfort me. Thou preparest a website before me in the presence of mine boredom: thou anointest my ports with data; my hard drive runneth over. Surely fast surfing and low
access rates shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of cisco systems for ever.
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Quote: 737432; Rating: 454; [+|-]
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<Sin> MICHAEL JACKSON DIED TODAY!
<Vincent> WHAT!? how?
<Sin> acute food poisoning
<Sin> he ate some 12 year old nuts
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Quote: 737485; Rating: 548; [+|-]
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<Teegan> orgasum
<Stressball> theres no U in orgasm
<Stressball> haha
<Stressball> sounds like an anti-rape slogan
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Quote: 737488; Rating: 1373; [+|-]
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<BigKahuna>so my son came home from school early
<BigKahuna>terrified look on his face
<BigKahuna>handed me two pieces of paper
<BigKahuna>one says he's been suspended for two weeks
<BigKahuna>the other is a bill for $850 for removing a mechanical bull from a swimming pool
<lhging|brb>HAHAHAHAHA
<BigKahuna>half of me knows i should punish him, but the other half just wants to say "my god i love my kids"
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Quote: 737527; Rating: 149; [+|-]
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<Jenny The Xenomorph> I found a good example of why i dont talk to my parents much though. My mum found a picture of the sun my dad took a while back during the eclipse. had a large dark spot on it, which they were trying to work out what it was.
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Quote: 737693; Rating: 894; [+|-]
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<Daniel> Spongebob is a tampon.
<Daniel> He's a sponge who lives in bikini bottom with Mr Crabs.
<Nictheman> lmao
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Quote: 737717; Rating: 382; [+|-]
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<@Merrick178> I hope you get hit by an uninsured Mexican driving an ice cream truck with la bamba playing in the background
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Quote: 737767; Rating: -187; [+|-]
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<Bull|breakky> lol. i had a few drinks, tried to light a smoke off me zippo, took a phone call, filled the zippo with petrol, spilt some on my hand, lit the smoke and dropped the phone, me hand was on fire. yea i know . duhhhhhhhh@ me
<PistNBroke> rofl
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Quote: 737769; Rating: 287; [+|-]
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<+dogcow> Did you hear about the MPAA being caught using pirated software?
<+dogcow> http://yro.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=07/02/18/0458213
<+TheHURD> *loooooooooooooooooooool*
<+dogcow> Can anyone recommend any good movies? I'm going to celebrate!
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Quote: 737859; Rating: 215; [+|-]
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<marshmallow> i had a hard time trying to explain to mike what the orly owl was
<marshmallow> i mean how would you describe it to someone who hadn't heard of it
<__penguin__> the same way you describe what color is to a blind person
<marshmallow> HAHA IT'S PURTY AND U CANT SEE IT
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Quote: 737902; Rating: 63; [+|-]
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obscurityusa: i showed my roomate ftw.generation
obscurityusa: he's... he's not talking to me anymore....
obscurityusa: like first random he gets is the hulk getting butt raped by capt. america
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Quote: 737903; Rating: 422; [+|-]
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<Aust> I was playing a groove jazz jam at a coffee shop, and a group of mentally handicapped kids walked in. One of them ran right to the middle of us and started dancing all crazy. He was dressed like an Native American. Like, battle rags... It was fuckiing awesome. He danced for like 20 minutes. We all danced with
him.
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Quote: 737918; Rating: 364; [+|-]
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Steve: I wish the bash mods would hurry up and reject my quotes.
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Quote: 737948; Rating: 520; [+|-]
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<@norman> so, how many dates do you have to go on before it changes from assault to domestic violence
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Quote: 738052; Rating: 270; [+|-]
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<Hawaiian_Pig> that reminds me... if i ever get the chance to write something on a bomb, it'd have to be an ascii wang.
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Quote: 738098; Rating: 848; [+|-]
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Kanishka: The vagina has 3 holes right?
Sahil: no
Kanishka: Yeah it does; one for the dick and two for the balls
<lol>
Sahil: No you fucking dumbass, there aren't three holes
Kanishka: Then where do the balls go in?
Kyle: They...don't.
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Quote: 738146; Rating: 509; [+|-]
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<osx5> question is there an irc server that has mostly mac users on it?
<Eulogy> i hope to god not.
<osx5> lol, why
<Eulogy> that much arrogance would cause the universe to collapse on itself.
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Quote: 738421; Rating: 323; [+|-]
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<Ken|JLime> Jtag_me If you want a challenge, learn the emacs short commands
<Ken|JLime> I'll stick to medical school myself
<Jtag_me> haha
<Ken|JLime> Its like CTRL-XYWZQFGUJ-F1 (while pressing F2).. and it walks your dog
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Quote: 738576; Rating: 83; [+|-]
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ET: Bash.org is moderated
Lily: yeah. xD
ET: that stuff has to be approved
ET: if Bash.org is moderated, what the hell kinda stuff doesn't make the cut?
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Quote: 738703; Rating: 318; [+|-]
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<jms> maybe I can do it in java
<jms> but that sounds as pleasant as cheesegrating my testicles
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Quote: 738715; Rating: 1172; [+|-]
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Anti: Physics is like sex, it has practical results but that's not why we do it
RaefWolfe: Physics is like sex: I just don't get it
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Quote: 738780; Rating: 436; [+|-]
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yuseisays: I got one! I got one!
BlackDragon412: WHAT?
yuseisays: What do you call children that are born in whore houses?
yuseisays: BROTHEL SPROUTS
BlackDragon412: ...
yuseisays: oh crap, wrong persoin
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Quote: 738798; Rating: 37; [+|-]
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H2SO4Baddie: it's a good thing easter isn't on groundhog day, cuz then jesus'd come out of his tomb, see his shadow, go back in and we'd have 6 more weeks of winter
axoren123: xD
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Quote: 738913; Rating: 264; [+|-]
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<Rx> I am eating hot dogs that have little bits of cheese inside the frankfurter
<Rx> It is amazing.
<Rx> I am sure this must be an american invention
<Rx> but it's like a man who ejaculates cream cheese is having sex in my mouth with a beautiful pork woman
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Quote: 738918; Rating: 2342; [+|-]
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<PhoenixBourne> Ok, so a friend of mine had an AWESOME idea at school
<PhoenixBourne> You know rohyphonol? (whatever the spelling is)
<linforcer> Is he gontna make a trebuchet
<linforcer> no
<PhoenixBourne> You know date rape drugs?
<linforcer> Sure
<PhoenixBourne> Right, rhyphonol is one of these. It knocks you asleep after an hour or two.
<PhoenixBourne> I should also mention, a side affect of rhyphonol is amnesia of events whilst under influence of the drug.
<PhoenixBourne> Now, a friend of mine had this idea:
1) Prepare ingredients
2) Take rhyphonol
3) Bake cake
4) Fall asleep
5) ??????
6) Wake up
7) CAKE?! CAKE! Where did this come from?!
<linforcer> SURPRISE CAKE!!!!!!
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Quote: 738981; Rating: 951; [+|-]
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<Bus> y = |x|
<JaxomZero> thats thinking positive
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Quote: 739002; Rating: 290; [+|-]
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MisterMunshun: I used to be a telemarketer, working for the Shriners. I'd call people up and try and get them to sponsor a group of needy and handicapped kids from the Shriner's hospitals to go see the circus.
MisterMunshun: One night, i'm making my calls, and i come to this name on one of my sheets
MisterMunshun: "Mrs. Pucci"
MisterMunshun: I'm making the calls before it, but i'm just going through the motions, because in my head, over and over, i'm thinking
MisterMunshun: DON'T SAY PUSSY DON'T SAY PUSSY DON'T SAY PUSSY IT'S POO-CHI POO-CHI NOT PUSSY DON'T SAY PUSSY
MisterMunshun: So, I dial her up
MisterMunshun: She answers
MisterMunshun: "Hello, Mrs. Pussy?"
MisterMunshun: everyone in the office immediately bursts into laughter, and i just fucking deflate.
MisterMunshun: I can't fucking apologize because everyone is laughing, which is making ME laugh.
MisterMunshun.: And it wouldn't have mattered anyway, she'd already fucking hung up.
Jake: and you were fired
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Quote: 739009; Rating: -96; [+|-]
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<NightShade> you know what a vampire puts in his hot water to make tea?
<NightShade> a used tampon
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Quote: 739129; Rating: 716; [+|-]
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<crazymike811> infinity is simply nothing with a twist
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Quote: 739354; Rating: 25; [+|-]
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CharmQuark42: a math sheep?
Quillethe: it would explain the counting
CharmQuark42: it does integ-wools!
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Quote: 739375; Rating: 2646; [+|-]
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<Tostitos> i like my women the way i like my coffee
<Jet> Ground up and in the freezer?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> full of your cream?
<mistik> hawt?
<Dokterrock> What, tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a burro?
<RaMTuFF> quiet ?
<Jet>: Colombian?
<Aimee> hot?
<Jet> From McDonalds?
<djswift2k3> Black?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> in a cup?
<Jet> Spilt all over your lap?
<Aimee> cheap?
<whiteboihere> strong and black?/
<Tostitos> i hate you all
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Quote: 739693; Rating: 360; [+|-]
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<altus> internet diet is shitty
<altus> cookies and spam all the time
<xoroa> yea. and the cookies are totally dubious. i mean, who would eat one that expires in 2017?
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Quote: 739936; Rating: 4939; [+|-]
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<Turkeyslam> oh man I saw pure gold at lunch, I was sitting near this group of black guys at a table and they all had tucked in shirts and shit, looked educated, I think they were studying calculus or some shit
<Turkeyslam> and across from there, there was another table with a bunch of white guys, all ghetto looking, three of them wore fucking grills, sagging pants, and one was playing some 50 cent ringtone or some shit
<Turkeyslam> going "yeah boiiii"
<Turkeyslam> and one of the black guys in the table next to me muttered "fucking niggers"
<Turkeyslam> I choked on my fucking jolt cola
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Quote: 740127; Rating: 316; [+|-]
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<sdodson> I'm trying to figure out if my neighbors have really bad rhythm or if they're hanging photos on the wall
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Quote: 740137; Rating: 2637; [+|-]
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Jenna says:
I
Jenna says:
l
Jenna says:
o
Jenna says:
v
Jenna says:
e
Jenna says:
y
David says:
C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
Jenna says:
what the **** is your problem?
Jenna says:
why do you always do that?
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Quote: 740552; Rating: 356; [+|-]
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<+llama> just sold some vibrating panties
<+llama> $50 panties
<barryh> did you wear them 1st?
<+llama> naw
<+llama> they are like a cheap hotel, no ballroom
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Quote: 740638; Rating: 274; [+|-]
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<bloodfart> this homeless dude was eating a pie
<bloodfart> that someone bought him
<destx> wicked
<bloodfart> he got up to cross the road and tripped over, dropping the pie
<bloodfart> as if your life couldnt get any worse
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Quote: 740656; Rating: 565; [+|-]
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<Snojoe> Lemme ask you somethin
<Gnarly> Okay...
<Snojoe> If you date a two-headed chick, and you want sex, and one of them says no..
<Snojoe> is it rape?
<Gnarly> you dont have much free time, do you?
<Snojoe> Time is a factor here, man... need an answer
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Quote: 740836; Rating: 310; [+|-]
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<CptSage> Awesome error message
<CptSage> Best one ever
<CptSage> A network error has occured. This computer's Internet connection appears to be online. (-66559).
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Quote: 741084; Rating: 690; [+|-]
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arucardegungrave: Yeah, Jesus tried to save me, but there was no space on his memory card.
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Quote: 741090; Rating: 577; [+|-]
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<Aiko> Nothing beats the look on a 14-year-old boy's face when his older sister catches him watching femdom porn, smiles and tells him she's already seen that one.
<9874354> speaking from experience?
<Aiko> Yep. ^_^
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Quote: 741216; Rating: 18; [+|-]
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<Snojoe> I am a genius
<Snojoe> I just came up with a new game
<mbb102488> oh lord, what now?
<Gnarly> did you finally figure out hand + dick, joe?
<Snojoe> Bash drinking game
<mbb102488> lol
<Snojoe> I'm serious! go onto the random page
<Snojoe> and you take a drink for every quote of like
<Snojoe> tubgirl
<Snojoe> or even goatse
<Gnarly> no, 2 for goatse
<Snojoe> uh, no... 2 drinks are reserved for every one about niggers
<Gnarly> lmao
<mbb102488> wow...
<Gnarly> just don't hope you randomly don't get the whole bottom list as random
<Gnarly> else you'd be fucked
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Quote: 741226; Rating: 17; [+|-]
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<jaMESG[champ]> you know, i always thought that i kept my desk kinda clean
<jaMESG[champ]> turning the keyboard over and tapping the back of it
<jaMESG[champ]> so much shit falls out of it
<jaMESG[champ]> jesus
<burningpapersun> lol
<burningpapersun> jesus fell out of your keyboard?
<jaMESG[champ]> yeah
<jaMESG[champ]> i kicked that fucker out
<jaMESG[champ]> didn't pay rent
<jaMESG[champ]> just squatted
<jaMESG[champ]> in my keyboard
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Quote: 741596; Rating: 400; [+|-]
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< kakistos> lol. i liked the java compiler.
< kakistos> does the c compiler not tell you what you did wrong?
< deviant> C is great
< ewan> the Java compiler is all like "you have an uninitialised variable there, would you like a hug?"
< ewan> gcc is like "raaagh! I do no bounds-checking! Your mother sucks cocks in hell!"
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Quote: 741630; Rating: 1156; [+|-]
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<matt____> hey guys is there a way to patch an older redhat server??
<matt____> Linux devcvs 2.2.16-22 #1 Tue Aug 22 16:49:06 EDT 2000 i686 unknown
<Evolution> holy hell
<Evolution> 2.2.16?
<Evolution> just out of curiosity, what's the uptime on that antique?
<matt____> devnu11:18am up 2287 days, 2:52, 25 users, load average: 1.76, 1.26, 0.70
<Zathrus> gods
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