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Quote: 243709; Rating: 424; [+|-]
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<FujiLi> my wiener reminds me of a lightsaber.
<Terron> FujiLi: its green?
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Quote: 243738; Rating: 243; [+|-]
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Seth: its sad when Perl is the closest thing to a girl in your life
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Quote: 243745; Rating: 925; [+|-]
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<Swenja> If you handed people a box that said "Danger! Crotch-eating crickets inside! Do not shake! Do not open!"
<Swenja> ....ten minutes later, there'd be screaming and chirping, and crickets all over the place...
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Quote: 244052; Rating: 80; [+|-]
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<@Phil21> juniper calls back saying they have m7i for "only" $15k
<@Phil21> fuckers
<*comstud> *looks in his wallet*
<*comstud> damn, $10 short.
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Quote: 244131; Rating: 352; [+|-]
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<andrewg> eps will make you drop the soap on command
<andrewg> AND
<andrewg> insert a tracking device
<djrand> good god
<djrand> i think thats enough
<@epic_> lol
<epic_> Did we make you blush rand?
<epic_> your virgin ears.
<djrand> indeed
<epic_> should put comdoms on them.. wont catch hearing aids.
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Quote: 244140; Rating: 351; [+|-]
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<Eugene> Packets: Sent = 1000, Received = 455, Lost = 545 (54% loss)
<Eugene> Minimum = 315ms, Maximum = 1127ms, Average = 592ms
<Eugene> geez, I don't even think this even counts as the internet anymore.
<Eugene> I can probably get better responses with two tin cans and a piece of string.
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Quote: 244161; Rating: 542; [+|-]
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shopgirl6665: installing flash...soon my website will be the coolest ever
shopgirl6665: hmmm...there appears to be somewhat of a learning curve...
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Quote: 244180; Rating: 1414; [+|-]
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<Langly1> Bash.org is like an IQ test, All those who get on it have low IQ's
<Langly1> and if anyone submits that quote ill track them down and kill them
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Quote: 244273; Rating: 442; [+|-]
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<Xenocide> what are those things called....
<Xenocide> y'know, they leik deposite ink.. onto cds
<Xenocide> WTF ARE THEY CALLED
<Xenocide> arrgh
<Nd> Pens
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Quote: 244275; Rating: 1329; [+|-]
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<+Velcant> My dad just wandered off to buy 50 meters of wireless LAN cable. Good luck to him.
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Quote: 244306; Rating: 1055; [+|-]
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<MichaelBolton> okay, my ADD has officially gotten out of control
<MichaelBolton> i just tried to go to the bathroom, but i ended up shaving, washing my face, taking a short shower, putting in fresh toilet paper, and taking out the trash. so now i'm back here, and i still have to pee.
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Quote: 244314; Rating: 708; [+|-]
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<Lord_Nuke> Blegh, today was annoying
<Lord_Nuke> Some people I wonder how they remember to get dressed mornings
<l33t-mercury> how so?
<Lord_Nuke> Well, as you know, I work at the Best Buy Rebate Center
<Lord_Nuke> So a woman calls in, she got a letter declining her rebate request for invalid receipt
<Lord_Nuke> it turns out she bought her computer at Comp-Usa, and then went on bestbuy.com and printed off a rebate form
<Lord_Nuke> And she wonders why she didn't get her rebate
<l33t-mercury> OMG! Rofl!
<Lord_Nuke> Yeah, well, its still better than the fool who forgets to mail it in at all
<Lord_Nuke> Customer: "Hi, I'd like to check on my rebate. I've been waiting 6 months"
<Lord_Nuke> Me: "Well, do you have a copy of your rebate form with you?"
<Lord_Nuke> Customer: "Yeah, let me open my envelope here, I have the rebate form."
<Lord_Nuke> Me: "Wait, wait. You have the envelope there? As in you didn't mail it?"
<Lord_Nuke> Customer: "Yeah, it's right here. Can you tell me what's taking so long?"
<l33t-mercury> lol
<Lord_Nuke> Me: "Just let me confirm this: You didn't mail it in, and you want to know what's taking so long?"
<Lord_Nuke> Customer: "Yes, that's correct..... oh. Shit." *click*
<l33t-mercury> haha
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Quote: 244321; Rating: 34259; [+|-]
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<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.
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Quote: 244385; Rating: 455; [+|-]
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<Lifeforce> way to make your kids afraid that you'll catch them looking at porn- if you do, start beating off next to them without explanation or even talking.
<Seppel> LF is gonna be divorced fast.
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Quote: 244430; Rating: 1006; [+|-]
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<analog> hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock
<analog> the clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.
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Quote: 244437; Rating: 1432; [+|-]
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<sweendOGgRH07> One year Dad decided he was going to take us on a "surprise vacation." We wouldn't know where we were going until we got there. We were all real excited when we piled into the station wagon early one morning. We went about five blocks, then we got in an accident at a four-way stop. I guess it was a
pretty good surprise, but why did we need all that camping gear?
<gamgames> hahaha
<sweendOGgRH07> I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" Rock, leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why
aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why,because paper can't beat anybody a rock would tear that shit up in about 2 seconds.
<sweendOGgRH07> When I play rock/paper/scissors I always choose rock.Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say Oh shit, I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you Asshole
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Quote: 244545; Rating: 2206; [+|-]
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<Slimjim`> My parents caught me masturbating one day, and responded with making me a cake to celebrate my ascent into manhood. At the time I should have been "what the holy bejesusing fuck" but instead I was like "hey, free cake."
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Quote: 244583; Rating: 249; [+|-]
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<jeff> ok
<jeff> some dumb russian old lady asked me today where the exit was at work
<jeff> how did she get in the store in the first place
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Quote: 244602; Rating: 1046; [+|-]
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<Timelord> My beard has blonde hairs.
<Timelord> And red.
<Timelord> And brown.
<Timelord> And black.
<Timelord> And white.
<Timelord> And a couple of other shades of those.
<asshat> stop going down on carebears
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Quote: 244632; Rating: 232; [+|-]
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<jonathan> YOUR BREATS REMIND ME OF MOUNT RUSHMORE
<Legolas> Her breasts have presidents faces on them?
<jonathan> MY FACE SHOULD BE IMPRINTED AMONG THEM
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Quote: 244651; Rating: 376; [+|-]
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Rovin: MY AUNT WENT OUT WITH IVAN FROM MEN WITHOUT HATS
Shorah: Did they practice safety sex?
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Quote: 244654; Rating: 209; [+|-]
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* ProdigalGenius ([email protected]) Quit (Read error: Connection reset by peer)
<Namen> Who is peer and why is he running around the net resetting connections?
<Inquisitor> Peer is a drunkard who beats his kids and resets connections because his inability to retain fluids, more specifically of an urinal nature, prevents him from remaining dry for more than 20 minutes, causing him much ridicule and disdain. This is a frustration which has scarred him, and some accounts
inform that he has been seen wading on his own pool of piss screaming "I AM NO BEDWETTER I AM NO BEDWETTER".
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Quote: 244675; Rating: 355; [+|-]
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<HF> uhm... from CNET Shopping... This Western Digital Raptor WD360GD .... Its data transfer rate of 150 megabits-per-second is relatively fast, compared to the typical hard drive.
<HF> This Western Digital Caviar SE WD2500JD .... Compared to a typical hard drive, its data transfer rate of 150 megabits-per-second is relatively slow.
<HF> This Western Digital Caviar SE WD1200JD .... Compared to a typical hard drive, its data transfer rate of 150 megabits-per-second is fairly standard.
<HF> Well at least they cover all the bases
<HF> "Goldie Locks and the Three Hard Drives"
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Quote: 244753; Rating: 495; [+|-]
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<kymscrazy> I blame everything on lag. :) Late to work, I was lagged. Forgot to call, sorry I was lagged.
<Foenix> "Sorry, my ping time to my alarm clock sucks."
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Quote: 244799; Rating: 756; [+|-]
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<awed> i almost started a cult once
<awed> by accident
<awed> irc is weird like that.
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Quote: 244859; Rating: 132; [+|-]
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<visi-work> I could feed a hundred hungry walruses with $10 at taco bell
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Quote: 245030; Rating: 658; [+|-]
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<rAJ> wooo, i had sex tonight :D
* pikkle holds back another "my mom" joke
<pikkle> argh. YOUR mom, not mine. :(
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Quote: 245140; Rating: 422; [+|-]
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<Crazy^Donna> are we in english class!?
<Kaowyn> no but i'm tired of hearing you fuck up every damn sentence
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Quote: 245206; Rating: 1064; [+|-]
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<schmidt> i can kill a person with no hands
<SirBlack> so can I, when they don't have hands it's hard for them to fight back :P
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Quote: 245376; Rating: 783; [+|-]
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<paroneayea> Oh man! Oh man! Oh man!
<paroneayea> I have to tell you people the funniest thing ever.
<paroneayea> This friend of mine, a theater major, walks into my room. "Do you have a printer I can borrow?" she says.
<paroneayea> "Yes," I say, "but it's an old LaserJet 4L. Is that alright?"
<paroneayea> "Should be," she responds.
<paroneayea> Then she hands me this paper. It's like normal paper, but thicker, and... not friendly.
<paroneayea> I ask what it is and she says "cardstock."
<paroneayea> I raise an eyebrow and say, "you do realize that there's no way in hell my printer is going to print on this paper."
<paroneayea> "Oh."
<paroneayea> "Well," she says, "could we print it on normal paper and somehow transfer it to the cardstock?"
<paroneayea> "What, like print it out and literally cut it up and glue it on there?"
<paroneayea> "No, like, if you printed it out and then stuck it in your scanner, maybe we could print it out again on the cardstock?"
<althalus> wtf
<paroneayea> She couldn't understand why I was laughing so hard
<Wilf> lol
<althalus> that needs to go up on bash.
<paroneayea> agreed
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Quote: 245382; Rating: 344; [+|-]
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* Kurayamino chews on 3DSmax
<Kurayamino> it knows i'm gonna replace it with version 6, i swear to my lack of fucking god.
<Kurayamino> max5: "whats this cunt downloading? holy shit! max6!" max6: "muah hah hah, bow to me, for i am superior and you will be deleted" max5: "fuck this. lets CRASH TO DESKTOP at RANDOM INTERVALS for NO FUCKING APPARANT REASON!"
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Quote: 245572; Rating: 296; [+|-]
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Eudox says: my god...
Eudox says: I'm really not used to sending letters
Eudox says: it just took my 10 minutes to work out I had to lick the thingy to make it stick :|
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Quote: 245695; Rating: 393; [+|-]
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<Disciple> my bowels are at a state of civil unrest
<Disciple> ugh... looks like the rebels are winning
<Disciple> gotta go, bbiab
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Quote: 245710; Rating: 1058; [+|-]
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<Schizo> I once knocked out a toddler with a door. Wasn't funny at the time, but it's hilarious now lol
<sleepbu> i almost frostbitereered my nuts last night :p
<sleepbu> since we're being honest
<sleepbu> it was a hot night
<sleepbu> bag was all hot and sweaty
<sleepbu> thought i'd try out my can of duster
<sleepbu> compressed gas :P
<sleepbu> little did i know that shit comes out as liquid if it's upside down
<sleepbu> drip drip *freeze* OMG WORLD OF PAIN WORLD OF PAIN WORLD OF PAIN
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Quote: 245718; Rating: 6784; [+|-]
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<+mOrphz> damn it :/
<@Lego> damn it :/
<+mOrphz> stop that
<@Lego> stop that
<+mOrphz> :D
<@Lego> :D
<+mOrphz> Lego smells
<@Lego> Lego smells
<+mOrphz> /quit
quit: (Lego) (~leet@apex|Lego.user.gamesnet) (Quit)
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Quote: 245777; Rating: 395; [+|-]
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<Soulcleaver> Once me, my dad, and some of his employees were having a racist joke contest, but midway through we remembered we were still in Wendy's.
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Quote: 245797; Rating: 1021; [+|-]
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<surreal> i've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my girlfriend to go swimming
|
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Quote: 245856; Rating: 418; [+|-]
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<pyro> I remember when I was younger this chick wanted me to give her a hickey but i didn't know how.. so i went on google
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Quote: 245883; Rating: 1033; [+|-]
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[+Elkrider] Goat, my name's on the JW blacklist for well over 10 years now.
[+Elkrider] Almost 15, I think.
[+Elkrider] One day they rang at my door. Two women, one about 50 and ugly, the other one around 20 and very pleasant to look at.
[+Elkrider] When they started to talk, I interrupted and said the following, immortal words....
[+Elkrider] "Hold a minute. Before we keep talking, the young one will come in and give me a blowjob. If it's good, we can talk. Agreed?"
[+Elkrider] Perfect win-win situation.
[+Elkrider] Either they piss off or I get a blowjob.
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Quote: 245902; Rating: 51; [+|-]
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<taig3R> so blinker fluid comes out the transmission?
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Quote: 245906; Rating: 1383; [+|-]
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<Malevolyn> last night i was at chili's and i got a big sandwich that had a big knife. so i went to cut my sandwich and started chanting 'knife knife knife knife'
<Malevolyn> and the waitress came by and took my knife...
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Quote: 245916; Rating: 30; [+|-]
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<narcotiKz> sent: could be his blinker pistons
<narcotiKz> i heard the blinker master cylinder goes bad on those things
<narcotiKz> i think factory did a recall
<taig3R> where do blinker pistons go and how much they cost?
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Quote: 245943; Rating: 226; [+|-]
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[suxbad] scott
[suxbad] im coming to visit asheville soon
[@teki] oh god
[@teki] maybe we not get arrested this time
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|
Quote: 245967; Rating: 898; [+|-]
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<ecks> I'm so virgin, there isn't even a word to describe how much sex I have not had.
|
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Quote: 245988; Rating: 470; [+|-]
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<FHCI_SS> I work as a tech support and someone called yesterday with the following conversation taking place
<FHCI_SS> Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty."
<FHCI_SS> Me: "What seems to be the trouble with it?"
<FHCI_SS> Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool."
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Quote: 246054; Rating: 311; [+|-]
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<RamsusXIII> lol foodus
<RamsusXIII> err
<RamsusXIII> doofus
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Quote: 246123; Rating: 772; [+|-]
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<Ryft> I made some brownies... want one?
<bnyfoofoo> you baked?
<Ryft> No, are you?
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Quote: 246129; Rating: 106; [+|-]
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* nekogirl knits
* Ryft watches her knit
<nekogirl> crap!
<nekogirl> my yarn just ended!
<Ryft> And you didn't see that coming?
<nekogirl> no!
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Quote: 246140; Rating: 895; [+|-]
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<Tonitrus> My biological clock says 12:00 and blinks.
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