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Quote: 117856; Rating: 463; [+|-]

Kiache Majere: Hey, want to go see a movie later?
Kiache Majere: Do you suck cock?
Der Zwitter Affe: yes
Der Zwitter Affe: shit i mean yes to the movies

Quote: 117885; Rating: 358; [+|-]

<ExS> McDonalds
<ExS>u00a0 "Mick-Don-Ulds"
<ExS> A handy substitute for food, in the same way that piss is a handy substitute for fresh drinking water.
<ExS> Dude: "Why are you holding a turd in your hand? OH MY GOD, DON'T PUT THAT TURD IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!"
<ExS> Other dude: "It's McDonalds."
<ExS> Dude: "Oh! Can I have a bite?"

Quote: 117914; Rating: 1989; [+|-]

<SpitZ> this sms was sent by a friend of mine
<SpitZ> Sally mr. pls,2wedding
<SpitZ> What's that supposed to mean?
<crazhee> i think it read as "Sally mist'er period. please comma to wedding"

Quote: 117947; Rating: 52; [+|-]

[@CadWork] I used to be afraid to eat bananas at the office because we had a known homosexual in my dept

Quote: 117991; Rating: 2498; [+|-]

<Ab0mination> I sleep on a bunk bed yeah, which is only accessbile by a ladder and last night I must've been dreaming or something because I woke up screaming about my ladder being taken off my bed so I couldn't get down
<Ab0mination> And I dreamt that there was a badger sleeping at the end of the bed
<Ab0mination> So in sheer terror I jumped from my bunkbed down onto the floor at 3am.
<Ab0mination> I've now got to go to the vet to get my cat checked out because I landed right on him as he was sleeping on my floor and squashed him. (he's a deaf fuckwit)
<Ab0mination> My parents and sisters are not speaking to me.
<Ab0mination> Because they found me kneeling down beside the limp cat yelling manically at it and waggling my fingers at it like the Borg of Star Trek do.
<Ab0mination> Apparently I was screaming: "I am Locutus of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile".

Quote: 118031; Rating: 207; [+|-]

<aleisha_van> all of the puppets in the thunderbirds look vaguely like ernest borgnine. even the women. it's unnerving.

Quote: 118035; Rating: 145; [+|-]

<Nermal> the only way I could secure windows was by putting bars over my monitor

Quote: 118041; Rating: 911; [+|-]

<ConqSoft> I don't like tan lines myself.
<ConqSoft> I can find all the good parts of a woman on my own, without the help of color-coding.

Quote: 118047; Rating: 190; [+|-]

<Mephistol> irn and I have a proposal for you
<Invizigo> really?
<Mephistol> yes
<Invizigo> tell me
<Mephistol> its along the lines of 'wnt 2 cibur'

Quote: 118055; Rating: 384; [+|-]

<s_> my brother put signs up where the bathrooms are
<s_> because i pissed in the hallway last night

Quote: 118058; Rating: 121; [+|-]

<pLADASK> since people do not care about my alcohol-problems, im sure johnny cash is off topic as well

Quote: 118199; Rating: 154; [+|-]

<realmockturtle> i need to get
<realmockturtle> my nipples eyebrow and tonuge pierced
<realmockturtle> because apparently
<realmockturtle> that goes over well
<realmockturtle> oh yeah
<realmockturtle> not being a fatass would help too
<realmockturtle> but i can't solve that with a needle and a hoop

Quote: 118480; Rating: 58; [+|-]

Quote: 118502; Rating: 435; [+|-]

<Valqorez> I heard a strange commercial on the radio at work today....
<Valqorez> "Treat yourself to a facial and raise money for charity at the same time."
<Valqorez> I was like "What is this, a sponsored bukkake?"
<Foz> hahaha
<Valqorez> My manager gave me a long, funny look.
<Foz> lol. I didn't think many people knew that word
<Valqorez> Maybe she speaks Japanese....
<Valqorez> Odd thing was, all I could do was shrug and and say "What?"
<Foz> I know that look

Quote: 118504; Rating: 524; [+|-]

(Axis): oh shit, i set a timer and now i can't turn it off
(Axis): how the hell do you turn it off
(@Zaphod): type /timers
(@Zaphod): you will be told the timer number
(@Zaphod): like * Timer 2 /do something
(@Zaphod): then type /timer2 off
(@Zaphod): notice, no space after timer
(Axis): okay but it's still beepinng
(Axis): it says there is no active timers
(@Zaphod): Ahh, you didnt type / beep <number> did you ?
(Axis): but IT'S STILL BEEPING! AAAAGH!
(Axis): yeah, i did
(Axis): is that bad
(@Zaphod): what was the number you typed?
(Axis): 39482034 i think, something like that
(@Zaphod): lol - it aint stopping till it beeps that many times
(Axis): well shit

Quote: 118548; Rating: 787; [+|-]

<sherlock_holmes|eating> heh, so i an anatomoy paper due yesterday, and when i was babysitting last week i asked if they wouldn't mind if i usede their comp
<sherlock_holmes|eating> the dad said yea, so i asked if he had a filter for adult material turned on.u00a0 he got a suspicious look in his eye and i told him that filters also block out non-pr0n related material, and since i'm doing an anatomy paper, it'd block out words that anatomy sites use, like penis or vagina
<sherlock_holmes|eating> he said he'd turn it off on the condition that i would promise not to use it for pr0n and i said 'nah, i took care of that before i came over' and we both kind of chuckled
<sherlock_holmes|eating> needless to say his wife was saying good-bye to the kid in the next room and they could hear me and not 10 minutes later i'm at home just wondering why my timid masturbation joke did more damage to that kids inner psyche than his mom calling me a filthy bastard who should rot in hell right in front of the little guy in that high annoying voice that women get...
<ssj_gotensama> lol, you were gonna use it for wankin weren't ya
<sherlock_holmes|eating> no that's the thing, i wasn't... i brought over anal invaders 2 for when the kid went to sleep, you can track web surfing history, you can't track what videos you put in the vcr
<ssj_gotensama> well i guess the worst part is your out of an 8 buck an hour job
<sherlock_holmes|eating> no the worst part is i left my anatomy book over at their place and i don't have the balls to go over and ask for it =(

Quote: 118551; Rating: 261; [+|-]

Quote: 118563; Rating: 131; [+|-]

<@herugachan> Abstract art is semi-intellectual masterbation.

Quote: 118573; Rating: 1160; [+|-]

<Md0za> HI MEN
<MadHattr> Men is plural, I'm singular
<Md0za> >:
<Md0za> u have botnet?
<MadHattr> no.
<Md0za> <:
<Md0za> i have botnet
<Md0za> u want flood?
<MadHattr> I know your IP and I work for your ISP. Want internet disconnect?
<Md0za> no
<Md0za> <:
<Md0za> u heck?
<MadHattr> no
<Md0za> <
<Md0za> <:
<Md0za> i am hack
<Md0za> heck
<Md0za> i am 14 yers old
<MadHattr> I've noticed

Quote: 118595; Rating: 294; [+|-]

<Joey> holy nutsac in a tree
<LookOutForTheWam> How do you think it got up there?
<Joey> it's holy
<LookOutForTheWam> Someone castrated god?

Quote: 118631; Rating: 602; [+|-]

<kohupiimakook> how can u connect two computers
<kohupiimakook> like lan, but without ethernet card
<suksu> with glue maybe

Quote: 118701; Rating: 38; [+|-]

<predetah> i seen a real hackers movie once, but i couldnt stand ot watch it all.. those geeks were so ugly
<predetah> this zerocool charactor aint to easy to look at it either

Quote: 118754; Rating: 588; [+|-]

<alobodig-2> Spraying a can of Dust-Off directly into my navel was just about the worst idea I've ever had.

Quote: 118756; Rating: 284; [+|-]

<dirtYbird> I am looking for a ecommerce package or someone to make one up, mulitlingual etc. Found one in Jamaica but I find it hard to take anything from there too serious, I can picture them sitting back in front of their PC's with joints the size of rolled newspapers on the phone telling me "it'll be coool mon"

Quote: 118772; Rating: 501; [+|-]

<Mewten> video games are now making us nerds do things we would never do in other situations: Dance (DDR), Play an instrument (Samba de Amigo), and now, GO OUTSIDE. Pretty soon we'll be like normal people

Quote: 118841; Rating: 425; [+|-]

<Midnight_Puppy> It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors

Quote: 118967; Rating: 452; [+|-]

(@Ti-chan) Bukkake is when a Mommy and a Daddy and a Daddy and a Daddy and a Daddy and a Daddy and a Daddy all decide that Mommy needs some special facial moisturiser

Quote: 119073; Rating: -828; [+|-]

<exo> why are redneck murders so hard to solve
<exo> cuz theres no dental records and all their DNA is the same
<fearz> HAHAHA

Quote: 119102; Rating: 692; [+|-]

<Afghani> hi
<Afghani> h r u?
<zebra> what the hell kind of language is that?
<zebra> are you fucking fingerly impaired or something?

Quote: 119152; Rating: 457; [+|-]

<@ecoli> i should just ln -s /dev/urandom ircd.conf
<@ecoli> and keep restarting it
<@ecoli> eventually it'll get everything right
<@Wink> lol
<@ecoli> stupid ssl.
<@ecoli> this couldn't be less documented if it were an md5 encrypted haiku.

Quote: 119334; Rating: 856; [+|-]

<ClothHat> Isn't Canadian currency made out of tree bark or something?
<Cidolfas> CH: Isn't American currency made out of the skins of natives?
<ClothHat> That and broken treaties.

Quote: 119429; Rating: 744; [+|-]

<exo> a/s/l?
<exo> i have blonde hair and blue eyes
<exo> i like to run and play with my dog
<torechednodle> i like long walks on the beach and men who arent afraid to cry
<exo> can i approach you torechednodle
<torechednodle> omg cybersex?
<torechednodle> yes, but please turn on your landing lights and adjust ILS for approach to vector 160
<exo> there is a dead animal on the runway
<torechednodle> yes dont mind that i was shaving

Quote: 119542; Rating: 340; [+|-]

<BoneCollector> well americanisation is quite big in SA
<BoneCollector> all the youngsters hear want to be like the Americans, especially with the black kids
<mog> that's funny
<mog> all the white kids here want to be africans
<mog> who would have thought

Quote: 119554; Rating: 154; [+|-]

<axiom-> mike myers is fuckin canadian
<axiom-> he'd outsmart those two nitwit killers anyday
<starrie> the guy from halloween
<starrie> not austin powers
<starrie> ninny.
<axiom-> oh.

Quote: 119582; Rating: 838; [+|-]

<shroom> wtf your nick is obnoxious
<`_^-_`_^\^|```_-__^_\`_```> so is yours

Quote: 119638; Rating: 181; [+|-]

<remix> i was gonna come back and say "fuck the children" but i realized that it wouldnt sound too good
<ecoli> yeah
<melly> ic
<mkart64> yeah then you go to jail
<ecoli> besides, some of us are way ahead of you :D

Quote: 119641; Rating: 678; [+|-]

<Reaper> ur not 1337 hehe
<wonderboy> i am 19

Quote: 119678; Rating: 1147; [+|-]

Fairytalehero: ok, so someitmes me and kel shower together
Fairytalehero: and i'll have to pee. so i go "hey kel, look at this" or something, and start PEEING ON HER
Fairytalehero: she gets so mad and tries to block it
Fairytalehero: but i'm like HAHA I'M PEEING ON YOUR HAND

Quote: 119701; Rating: 162; [+|-]

<aO-> ugh
<aO-> almost had a brown out
<aO-> and im gone
* Quits: aO- ([email protected]) (Client Quit)
<ecoli> sounds like someone had Taco Bell for lunch

Quote: 119765; Rating: 179; [+|-]

(monkeh^): this girl from the us was emailing me saying her tummy hurts, out of curiosity i ask why its hurting
(monkeh^): i got the reply today
(monkeh^): and ill say this; she should have lied

Quote: 119800; Rating: 126; [+|-]

<FluKex> isnt cheddar house for the alternative sexual preference people?
<crib> FluKex you mean fags?
<FluKex> crib my term is less..u00a0 umm,u00a0 bah,u00a0 ya,u00a0u00a0 its for fags

Quote: 119813; Rating: 600; [+|-]

<[-FcG-]Poet> lucifer is so 20th century, the devil should rename himself something like 1337Kill@r

Quote: 119853; Rating: 133; [+|-]

u00b7Jocelyn32u00b7 I would like to chat with single a English girl, SMART and slim (even if its scarce). Those who are STUPIDS, have several children from different fathers and/or don't work, please don't come to see me I AM NOT INTEREST IN YOU. Me I have a good look, gentle and funny
u00b7Jocelyn32u00b7 In brief...
u00b7Jocelyn32u00b7 Iu0092m searching for an English girl who sucks, swallows, says thank you and then takes a taxi

Quote: 119859; Rating: 850; [+|-]

<prae> my sister is so goddamn retarded
<prae> she called mom cause she gave blood today and mom told her to drink alot of fluids
<prae> so she drank beer
<prae> what a fucking moron

Quote: 119862; Rating: 1012; [+|-]

<Bungie> You know porn has become an addiction when you are standing at the gas pump filling your bike and just before you top it off, you pull the hose out and spray it all over the tank.

Quote: 119866; Rating: 691; [+|-]

<Murphy01> If i cloned myself, changed the y chromosome to an x chromosome, and then had sex with her, would it be masturbation, or incest?
<DS> how about fucking nasty?
<Murphy01> Well, that too.

Quote: 119869; Rating: 358; [+|-]

<Kilroy> gods, I'm dating myself again
<MPG> at least you only have to get one person drunk to have sex.

Quote: 119896; Rating: 404; [+|-]

<Amish> why are people fascinated with cartoon porn
<Amish> I mean, do you watch the Simpsons and really feel the need to (poorly) photoshop lisa giving bart head?
<Gudrow> when hitler was an artist he specialized in tentacle rape portaiture
<Mr_X> Gudrow: That's how the alliance between Germany and Japan began
<jre> That, and the German-Japanese scat fetish
<Mr_X> The scat fetish is the result of secret WW2 nazi experiments
<Mr_X> "HANZ, I SHALL NOW DEFECATE IN YOUR MOUTH, JA?" "JA" "DO YOU FEEL LIKE AN UBERSOLDAT YET?"

Quote: 119903; Rating: 205; [+|-]

<fintler> I'm 14176 lines of java closer to getting about $2000
<DocGonzo> maybe you can overcome the stigma that most java apps are gay
<fintler> once you ignore the stigma....it's kinda addictive
<DocGonzo> you mean like bumlove?

Quote: 119918; Rating: 185; [+|-]

<Caspian777> Once I get my picture on the net, you'll see. :P
<Suvorov> ooh can i have your picture?
<Suvorov> no baby ones though - i can't masturbate to those

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