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Quote: 571902; Rating: 360; [+|-]
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* PotSmoker has quit IRC (Broken pipe)
<careyasd> that's why you smoke joints |
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Quote: 572066; Rating: 7763; [+|-]
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<Tall Israeli> I think just about anyone who meets me and talks to me for long enough comes to terms with the fact that I am a very sick, twisted person. Also factor in a few mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer connection, and boredom and you get what might be the funniest combination imaginable.
I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin, REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I realized that it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.
Then the Tom got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.
What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.
The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating cake." I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download. Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow, one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Confused" in front of a live audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue.
The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the lawn naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two. Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty, they got the song "Ozone baby."
For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding" into the more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. "How can nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol, hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really something their mothers would be proud of.
I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo Sex." Short and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget.
They asked for Grandma.
They got Joan Jett.
At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my next proud creation. Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a fudging semi hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.
At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged Baboon" popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple factory." No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring, banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear", having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love. Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he?
This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment, however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling, perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a vicious dump." How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one, for that matter?
Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce of faith in humanity.
If I may quote Method:
"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy." |
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Quote: 572179; Rating: 1630; [+|-]
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<Rjx> so guys
<Rjx> i gotta get my computer to the USA somehow
<Rjx> as cheap as possible
<GerbilWrk> wrap it up in a condom and swallow it
<Jimmothy> put it in a condom and swallow it
<Rjx> you two aren't allowed to talk anymore |
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Quote: 572316; Rating: 244; [+|-]
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Aria: So you heard about the software failure on the space shuttle that caused the windshield to crack?
Aria: The programmers explained it that with so many holes, at that altitude, windows sucks bad.
Vruba: Now /that's/ a BSOD.
Bodger: Talk about breathtaking incompetence. |
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Quote: 572338; Rating: 1347; [+|-]
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<Shakeman> holy christ, there is a hurricane Beta too?
<Linkin> yeah, its in development.. |
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Quote: 572480; Rating: 1076; [+|-]
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<DoomDemon> I have good news and bad news.
<DoomDemon> The good news is that I had some really great sex with my wife last night.
<DoomDemon> And she even screamed "Oh John!" during orgasm.
<PhylumDeviant> isnt ur name dave?
<DoomDemon> Yeah, that's the bad news... |
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Quote: 572495; Rating: 1741; [+|-]
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<nepredi> i was watching doom in the cinema today
<nepredi> there was a very exciting scene where it was matter of life or death
<nepredi> and some guy behind me screams "SAVE IT, IDIOT!" |
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Quote: 572509; Rating: 2390; [+|-]
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<EventHorizon> is it just me or does our prof wear sweaters alot?
<swtaarrs> that's a sweatshirt
<EventHorizon> yeah
<EventHorizon> i think sweatshirt extends sweater though
<EventHorizon> so its still an instance
<DroolingSheep> no it doesn't sweaters suck
<swtaarrs> you're an instance of stupid
<EventHorizon> ur an instance of ur mom
<ChixLoveUnix> I implemented your mom last night.
<EventHorizon> i extended ur mom so bad she threw an exception
<EventHorizon> or something
<swtaarrs> if your mom were a collection class, her insert method would be public |
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Quote: 572512; Rating: 418; [+|-]
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<@roddie> LCDs don't show porn properly because they don't have the concept of black or black levels
<@ecoli> i don't watch interracial porn anyway |
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Quote: 572581; Rating: 461; [+|-]
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<che> there's a programmer's union?
<Wintermute> yes
<Wintermute> Local 100100101110101010010 |
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Quote: 572588; Rating: 552; [+|-]
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<nerdBeer> so, I just dropped a book _into the toilet_
<ct> home or work?
<popsQ> heh, does it matter?
<nerdBeer> poop's poop, man.
<banquo> Ok,..WHY were you reading a book over a poop filled toilet? And what!? "Poop spotters guide"? "Pooping for dummies"? "The illustrated guide to What the Hell did I Eat"? "Flushing and putting the seat down (A husbands compendium)"?
<banquo> If you have to stand and read it it has to be porn while your,.........Oh I see |
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Quote: 572589; Rating: 2083; [+|-]
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<Kiell> so it was my mate's funeral the other day
<Kiell> the parents asked his girlfriend to choose a song that he liked.
<Kiell> and between them they picked out "Bombtrack" by Rage Against The Machine.
<Kiell> So, just before the coffin disappeared to be cremated, Zach de la Rocha is screaming "burn, burn, yes you're gonna burn".
<Kiell>u00a0 Funniest. Funeral. Ever. |
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Quote: 572691; Rating: 915; [+|-]
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robuofw: my roommate has been gone since friday night
robuofw: and I have no idea where he is
cyateon: do you think he's alive
robuofw: I hope so
robuofw: rent is due tomorrow |
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Quote: 572765; Rating: 1518; [+|-]
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SteveDixon23: how hard do you think it would be to build a working EMP bomb?
xanxion: the hard part would be making a video to prove it works.
SteveDixon23: ...
SteveDixon23: this is true. |
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Quote: 572797; Rating: 2897; [+|-]
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nurv3947: So, I was talking to one of my friends, and she's kinda fat, right?
nurv3947: And this woman walks up to us, looks at my friend and asks "Are you pregnant?"
nurv3947: And she says "Yes, I got gang raped by twelve donuts."
nurv3947: Honestly, I almost died.
nurv3947: I just turned and walked away.
nurv3947: I couldn't even walk straight. |
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Quote: 572822; Rating: 473; [+|-]
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<seelet> the frat house down the road doesnt even have wep on
<seelet> wtf
<HaLLuCiN0> maybe they are to busy drinking beer, smoking weed, and fucking chicks
<seelet> :( |
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Quote: 572824; Rating: 677; [+|-]
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<Rhodz> So anyway, if I get that threesome with my girl and one of her hot friends, I'll be a happy man
<Psy> Well of course you'd have to tape it
<Rhodz> I won't be taping it. What I want to do is get a director in to tape it. 3 cameras, lighting, the works.
<Psy> Awesome. I did photography last year, I could totally do that
<Rhodz> Er...do you really want to see my wang?
<Psy> Well, we could just blur it out...
<Rhodz> Sweet! Then it'll be just like Japanese porn!
<Rhodz> ...
<Rhodz> Except I won't be shitting on her. |
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Quote: 573116; Rating: 486; [+|-]
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<Ecob16> so this hobo asks me for spare change right
<Ecob16> and i ignore her cause im chatting with a mate
<Ecob16> so shes like "manners dont cost anything"
<Ecob16> so i turn to her and say "yeah, but if they did I could afford them" :D
<Ecob16> you shud have seen her expression... |
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Quote: 573260; Rating: 1750; [+|-]
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<wenko> today in java the prof asked the class for a simple iterator where we canu00a0 use some math
<wenko> so this one guy pipes up and says "Make it an address book, and It will calcuate the percentage of girls that slept with you"
<wenko> the prof looks up and says "I can't do that", meaning its not appropriate
<wenko> so the guy yells back "why not?"
<wenko> and the first thing that came to mind i said "You get an error when you divide by zero" |
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Quote: 573404; Rating: 506; [+|-]
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<Chrisco> stifffyyy where have you been?
<Stifler> i said the meanest thing to my girlfriend last night >=-)
<Stifler> you know.. cause i've been spending soo much time with her, neglectin the gaming and all..
<Stifler> well i said "you know i spend soo much time with you, i wish you were deaf, so i could get like community service for hanging out with you, i'd have a bajillion hours!"
<Chrisco> oh.. no wonder your back online again. |
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Quote: 573406; Rating: 787; [+|-]
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<Ryz0r> are your parents gona be at your party?
<z3phyr> my mum is
<Ryz0r> is she cool?
<z3phyr> yeah she is she lets me pretty much do what i want when i want
<z3phyr> all my mates think she is cool which is worrying
<Ryz0r> you think you've got it bad
<Ryz0r> all my mates want to sleep with my mum
<z3phyr> well she is pretty fit
<Rey> Yeah, I'd hit it.
<Lord_Cocktax> me too!
<Ryz0r> AAGH!! |
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Quote: 573611; Rating: 2399; [+|-]
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<chiby> base? is that another word for acid?
<spriggan> wtf, when's your chemistry exam?
<chiby> tomorrow
<spriggan> hahahahaha, oh man, you're screwed |
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Quote: 573848; Rating: -108; [+|-]
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______ : Swastika, from IKEA |
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Quote: 573856; Rating: 85; [+|-]
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<seaster> this kid once said to me he was 10% gay and that he thought it was normal.
<seaster> i said to him "it would suck if that 10% was your cock" |
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Quote: 573929; Rating: 1023; [+|-]
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<sithmaster> hmm i got a cut on my finger, not sure where it came from
<DarkBlueTornado> i got multiple cuts down my arm...not sure where those came from either
<RawBeef> Maybe you've been sleep emoing |
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Quote: 574088; Rating: 105; [+|-]
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[ Tom^ ] i remember my mate had a 33k modem, and we were like you should upgrade to 56k, then his dad was like, there is no point cus most webpages wont load any faster than around 33k anyway
[ Tom^ ] that was when i thought the internet was some guy sitting in a room and when you type in a web page he got that then sent the page to ur pc
[ Tom^ ] replace man with server and i had the idea :P
[ L-uNiT ] that's an awesome system tom
[ L-uNiT ] if he doesn't feel well then he'll just go away
[ L-uNiT ] and toilet brakes mean that we'll all get 404's
[ L-uNiT ] it'd be more effecient than microsoft servers |
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Quote: 574136; Rating: 531; [+|-]
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<tinks> besides, the more i have in savings, the more i can put into my 401k every month
<tinks> yeayyyyy 401k
<brat> Doesn't 401k come out of your paycheck, not savings?
<grue> heh, they should havae called the savings accounts at Enron the 404k
<grue> savings not found |
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Quote: 574181; Rating: 722; [+|-]
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<skreid> so i was trick or treating right
<GODLY> arent u a little old for that?
<skreid> fuck no
<skreid> anyway
<skreid> so i went as a present this year, just a bigass bow and some curled ribbons, and i go up to this door
<skreid> and a 75 year old woman and her husband open the door, and the woman goes "what are you?"
<skreid> i go "a present", and she gives me candy.u00a0 just as i start to walk away, she goes
<skreid> "who would want that??"
<skreid> and some little kid behind me just goes "OHHHH!u00a0 BURN!"
<GODLY> loser. |
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Quote: 574196; Rating: 1818; [+|-]
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Sanjuro Makabe: btw remember what you made up about something like the 7 layer protocol of the network or something?
Sanjuro Makabe: application, presentation, session, transport, network, datalink, physical
Sanjuro Makabe: i remember you made up something nasty to remember those by...i forgot what it was
Saem: a pussy so tight no dick penetrates |
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Quote: 574199; Rating: -121; [+|-]
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<GeoTube> Seriously, my family is retarded, they have to write D, E or F on the cd/dvd reader/writers so they know which one is which when they put a disk in! |
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Quote: 574238; Rating: 1029; [+|-]
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<testman> i asked my girlfriend to come home to watch the last samurai
<testman> and she answered "i'd like to, but i didn't see the first ones" |
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Quote: 574419; Rating: 396; [+|-]
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<Jimmothi> damint
<Jimmothi> i drew on some plastic
<Jimmothi> then it rubbed off on my hand
<Jimmothi> i never noticed and slept on it and now its all up my face and ear
<Jimmothi> i look like a smurf gave me a facial |
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Quote: 574542; Rating: 919; [+|-]
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<Spacetrash> there's this sign at the bottom of the stairway that is bothering me
<Spacetrash> it says "floors are slippery when wet"
<Spacetrash> well no shit
<Spacetrash> you put the fucking sign up when the floors are wet to alert people they are wet and therefore slippery, putting up that sign is like getting rid of the fire alarms and putting up signs that say FIRE IS HOT |
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Quote: 574642; Rating: 9731; [+|-]
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* Porter is now known as PorterWITHGIRLFRIENDWHOISHOT
<Strayed> he shot his girlfriend? |
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Quote: 574649; Rating: 1587; [+|-]
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<Dogan> man, my english class this year is so sweet
<Dogan> there was this quick write on the civil rights movement yesterday
<Dogan> couldn't think of anything else, so i just ended with "In conclusion, all your base are belong to us."
<Dogan> she just wrote "Rephrase?", and gave me 30/30 |
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Quote: 574759; Rating: 495; [+|-]
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<ChernoBog> i will ring for no money, and i know how to speak English, Macedonian, Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian and Bulgarian... understand some of russian too....
<Dashiva> and you haven't ethnically cleansed yourself yet? |
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Quote: 574962; Rating: 24; [+|-]
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<OG4Life> hey u faggity bunch of foreign fucks
<[Abomination]> Dalnet can't hear you unless you connect to them dude. |
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Quote: 575045; Rating: 1425; [+|-]
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<hahacornut>u00a0 I need visual aids for my presentation tomorrow
<Narcissus>u00a0 go to visual africa |
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Quote: 575172; Rating: 915; [+|-]
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<Sceleratus_Angelus> definition of canada = beer, hockey, bum, aboot
<n3o> definition of USA: mcdonalds, war |
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Quote: 575216; Rating: 79; [+|-]
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<DerMetzgermeister> A guy at work yesterday saw my stickers on my car, and asked me if Semper Fi was a form of martial arts. |
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Quote: 575362; Rating: 2162; [+|-]
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TsK/Scel: i think im gonna download some porn
TsK/Scel: something ive never seen before tho
TsK/Scel: something...... different
Shane/Mehul: lol
Shane/Mehul: porn with women?
TsK/Scel: fuck you |
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Quote: 575675; Rating: 1646; [+|-]
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< pin> so on saturday i was at a bar
< pin> telling a friend about how i played world of warcraft that day
< pin> and this girl was like.. are you talking about world of warcraft?
< pin> then i found out she played alliance and stopped talking to her
< pin> dumb cunt |
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Quote: 575828; Rating: 455; [+|-]
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<rob-bot> k, i got attacked by this hobo today on the side of the road, with his hat full of change and everything
<(``)> what you do?
<rob-bot> i asked him if he had change for a 5 |
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Quote: 575842; Rating: -225; [+|-]
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JunInohara: ew you guys ARE still here
JunInohara: bummer
JunInohara: <3
RockMecha: there's an easy fix to that
Whorange2: we don't love you either.
RockMecha: you see that great big button with an X on it?
RockMecha: if you click on that, we magically go away
Whorange2: whee
JunInohara: :P
RockMecha: and we go on to lead happy, cow-free lives
Whorange2: I love you more than ice cream for that Serge.
RockMecha: XD
Whorange2: and I love ice cream like those fat people who have to ride on flatbed trucks love ice cream. that's alot.
Whorange2: right Jamie?
JunInohara: uhm
JunInohara: yes? |
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Quote: 575846; Rating: 20; [+|-]
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<El_Angsto> interesting, I just read on slashdot about the linux worm
<zeekmor> it shouldnt effect us
<zeekmor> we are in a city, not in the wild |
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Quote: 575848; Rating: 482; [+|-]
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<myra> another accident?
<myra> what this time
<BWLaptop> 3rd grader running to catch the bus got hit by it
<BWLaptop> died at the scene
<karrde> guess he caught it... |
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Quote: 575855; Rating: 1755; [+|-]
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donchongo: i wonder what possesed some one to invent play-doh and silly putty
Wildfire: poop dries out to fast
donchongo: that really put a screeching halt to my thought process |
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Quote: 575874; Rating: 2085; [+|-]
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NTG85002: Hahaha
NTG85002: Today I was at my psych 101 lecture, of about 300 people, and we were talking about Freud's psychosexual stages, and how he thought homosexuality was credited to an lack of influence from the same sex parent.
NTG85002: So in the middle of class, my friend says "I don't believe that.u00a0 If not having one of your parents around led to homosexuality, there would be a lot more black homosexuals."
NTG85002: The teacher was speechless. |
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Quote: 576017; Rating: 1299; [+|-]
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Promisemememphis: there was a girl in one of my bio teachers classes and they had to put a cotton swab in their mouth and look at the slide
Promisemememphis: he went to look at hers because she saw something moving and told her it was a sperm
Promisemememphis: which meant that she'd just given some guy head in lunch like fifteen minutes before hand
Promisemememphis: he wouldn't let her leave the class either |
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Quote: 576018; Rating: 1797; [+|-]
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Lucius: so im stuck hangin out with this emo kid
Lucius: he goes up to this hot girl and says "hey baby, what are you doing lateR?"
Lucius: she turns to him and goes "boy, i already have a pussy, i dont need another one" and walks away
Lucius: i couldnt stop laughing
Lucius: then he gets this sad look and tells me to shut up
Lucius: i calmly pull out my sharpie and draw a tear on his cheek
Lucius: he literally shrieks and runs away |
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