|
Quote: 588219; Rating: 455; [+|-]
|
<punch> welp time to open a vintage 2003 botle of merlot
<punch> ah, thursday, a very good year
<punch> lemme just get this cap unscrewed and I can get to guzzlin'
<h4m911> heh, cap
<punch> don't all good wines have handles on the bottle?
<punch> the best ones come in a space-age foil pouch inside a durable cardboard box
<punch> in 50 years, wealthy people around the world will boast of their fine collections of boxed chardonnay
|
|
Quote: 588228; Rating: 2039; [+|-]
|
<Corsair> My ex-wife pulled my kids out of school because she wants to home-school them.
<Dolphin_24994> And this is bad?
<Corsair> Damn straight. That fucking idiot couldn't teach someone how to pour water out of a bucket with instructions printed on the bottom.
|
|
Quote: 588620; Rating: 1087; [+|-]
|
TwoHundredNinety: Man. I went to our school's Christmas play today.
Decagon111: Was it an interesting experience?
TwoHundredNinety: It was... uh. Quite interesting.
TwoHundredNinety: We had Scripture quoted at us. There was a large stained-glass cross. Santa ordered Oompa Loompas to break his elves' kneecaps when they went on strike. There were four machine-gun shootings. Santa died. (Three times, technically.) There were two death threats, independent of the machine gun
business.
Decagon111: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
TwoHundredNinety: Yes. ... The death threats were in the service of an anti-materialism parable.
Decagon111: ... I was _going_ to say how weird it was that there were carolers going around two weeks early tonight... but I don't think I'll bother.
|
|
Quote: 588662; Rating: 912; [+|-]
|
<Thuryn> a standard laptop battery would also be a great idea
<Thuryn> cell phones.... *maybe*. the phones themselves are still changing too much
<Thuryn> pretty soon, the damn phones will be so small that the air movement from your speech will also power the phone
<Thuryn> but then you couldn't talk to your g/f, because *you'd* never talk, so your phone would die
|
|
Quote: 589532; Rating: 753; [+|-]
|
<linuxelf> During our last camping trip, we came up with a new idea for the japanese. Having a bunch of guys pour coffee on a woman's face, and call it Bukkoffee.
<linuxelf> yeah, we had a few beers...
|
|
Quote: 589691; Rating: 1874; [+|-]
|
orangemunky: yes, but can you spell antidisestablishmentarianism???
Q-13: I can now, dumbass!
orangemunky: ........
orangemunky: shit
|
|
Quote: 589742; Rating: 2539; [+|-]
|
<xanthes> so my gf and me were doin it vampire style right
<CommanderBob> vampire style?
<princessofpie> what?
<rhodes> wtf is vampire style?
<b00z> WHAT THE FUCK?
<xanthes> shut up and let me tell you the story
<rhodes> no, you tell us what the FUCKING HELL 'vampire style' is
<xanthes> ...
<xanthes> look, its not important
<CommanderBob> geez
<CommanderBob> pervert
* CommanderBob has left #uncyclopedia
<b00z> i have to say im with bob on this one
* b00z has left #uncyclopedia
<rhodes> yeah
<rhodes> i don't really want to be around to hear this
* rhodes has left #uncyclopedia
<xanthes> guess its just u and me then PoP
<princessofpie> no, you stay the fuck away from me, you fucking pervert
* princessofpie has left #uncyclopedia
|
|
Quote: 589901; Rating: 436; [+|-]
|
<TomskE`away> omg best thing ever
<TomskE`away> if u get pulled over by like highway cops
<TomskE`away> you go " i bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the highway cops ball"
<TomskE`away> so they go
<TomskE`away> "highway cops dont have balls"
|
|
Quote: 590016; Rating: 444; [+|-]
|
holler its emily: Five Reasons Not to Be a Penis:
holler its emily: 1. You're bald your whole life.
holler its emily: 2. You have a hole in your head.
holler its emily: 3. Your neighbors are nuts.
holler its emily: 4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
holler its emily: And lastly...
holler its emily: 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint
DrkVengeance: you wouldnt always faint
DrkVengeance: depends on how well you can hold your licker
|
|
Quote: 590158; Rating: 1086; [+|-]
|
<Biz> i just finished cleaning 8 rolls of toilet paper off my car
<Biz> at least it wasn't malicious, like my car getting broke into for the 17th time
<wiff> are you keeping in valuables in the car that are visible?
<Biz> absolutely nothing
<Biz> because it gets broke into so much
<Biz> one time someone stole it from the park and ride
<Biz> so i report it, and i get a call that night
<Biz> my car has been abandoned...in another park and ride
<Biz> like 20 miles away
<Biz> it's like, just take the bus, dude
|
|
Quote: 590259; Rating: 2981; [+|-]
|
<zien> ah i love water. it's like nature's fruit juice.
<cgom> ....FRUIT JUICE is nature's fruit juice. moron.
|
|
Quote: 590322; Rating: 3134; [+|-]
|
<Musket> is there an echo in here?
<ManOfStuff> an echo in here?
<FessyBugger> in here?
<Kajifox> here?
|
|
Quote: 590557; Rating: 1410; [+|-]
|
<Fotomat> hey all...
<rife> brian, shouldn't you be in school?
<rife> it's wednesday
<Fotomat> i got suspended
<rife> how come?
<Fotomat> well i wore my history channel sweatshirt
<rife> uh huh
<Fotomat> the one that says "THC" on the front for "the history channel"
<Fotomat> so they suspended me for "drug paraphernalia" :/
<rife> ...
<rife> dumbass
|
|
Quote: 591385; Rating: 1220; [+|-]
|
(cyber1|t0) anyone know how i can open up pm's without a mouse pm me now
(cyber1|t0) actually dont pm
|
|
Quote: 591986; Rating: 1172; [+|-]
|
<Nassty> So we were playing a peaceful game of Trivial pursuit...
<Nassty> and the Question is "What are the first 3 words of the bible?"
<Nassty> Before I even finish the question, my friend jumps in and says, "Once upon a time..."
|
|
Quote: 592341; Rating: 1494; [+|-]
|
xpl0re3> fuck, i mean, it worked for romeo and juliet... they met at a party and were married the next fucking day
beanphoner> you obviously didn't read the end of that play
|
|
Quote: 592343; Rating: 687; [+|-]
|
<Vipsta> So yeah, this fat guy in my english class was bragging
<Vipsta> about how he registered stuff on the internet and gave the sites a bogus email address
<Vipsta> so yesterday i was bored, and i remembered the email addy he used
<Vipsta> and i registered it at hotmail, or whatever.
<Vipsta> i woke up this morning to find 441 gay porn emails in the inbox.
|
|
Quote: 592351; Rating: 3270; [+|-]
|
<Leitari> omg
<Leitari> king kong is long
<Leitari> ^^
<Leitari> my ass hurts
<Leitari> wait
<Leitari> that didnt sound right
|
|
Quote: 592354; Rating: 37; [+|-]
|
<Edict> Ever tried combining two words to form a new one?
<Budda> Here's a new word for you : Seppukkake - Ritual Suicide by the act of Bukkake o_O
<Edict> Eeeeewwww! :(
|
|
Quote: 592829; Rating: 1753; [+|-]
|
<Ksosez> i fucking hate ADD
<jesus_X> As in Attention
<jesus_X> Attention Deficit, something...
<Ksosez> Disorder
<jesus_X> What?
|
|
Quote: 592925; Rating: 640; [+|-]
|
<Gelgameth> ...Now wait a second.. There's a class action lawsuit against wikipedia?
<Scarab> Anyone can join in and add a grievance.
|
|
Quote: 592992; Rating: 1036; [+|-]
|
<Rault> I smoked weed through an apple for the first time today :D
<Madcowfucker> thats nothing
<Madcowfucker> you haven't lived until you inject herion with a banana
|
|
Quote: 593064; Rating: 708; [+|-]
|
<max> do i need to download the 2nd disc of any movie or just the first?
<Daki> You can download only the first, but the ending is kind of a cliffhanger
|
|
Quote: 593081; Rating: 6569; [+|-]
|
<Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.
|
|
Quote: 593092; Rating: 711; [+|-]
|
<Chrysophylax> NORAD comes to public attention at Christmas, when it purports to track Santa Claus on his journey around the world delivering toys for the world's children. 2005 marked the 50th time of NORAD tracking Santa. This tradition started when a local Sears store in Colorado misprinted the phone number and
kids, who thought they were calling Santa, called NORAD instead. This has become a tradition ever since 1955.
<Chrysophylax> wth
<TheDeadlyShoe> we'll manage to shoot the fat fucker down this year, you'll see
|
|
Quote: 593236; Rating: 673; [+|-]
|
[TA]-1 Ozzy0: any CSS clans in here?
Hambocho: you must really be into web programming if you're after a CSS clan.
Lord Traith: I'm after an RSS clan.
|
|
Quote: 593434; Rating: 944; [+|-]
|
reaper: knock knock
SaladTongo: Who's there
reaper: banana
SaladTongo: shit i didn't think you'd find me here
|
|
Quote: 593954; Rating: 492; [+|-]
|
<MisT[w]> guy just walks in and asks me " i bought windows xp 64 and it only shows 16bit and 32bit color but no 64bit ..."
<MisT[w]> o.O;;
|
|
Quote: 594218; Rating: 831; [+|-]
|
RabidPieConsumer: I'm thinking of programming an Oregon Trail knockoff based on something entirely fictional.
RabidPieConsumer: Any ideas?
ClicheCow: how about you try to go across the ocean?
ClicheCow: you can shoot 70 pounds of sea turtles
ClicheCow: but for some fucking reason you can only carry 20
ClicheCow: your daughter dies of scurvy
ClicheCow: you try to ford the ocean and one of your oxen dies
|
|
Quote: 594678; Rating: 1647; [+|-]
|
Poopsydo: i was remembering that my brother used to wake me up when i was little to go open the gifts from santa...
Poopsydo: he would say: lizy lizy wake up, santa came by...
Poopsydo: and i would jump and follow him
Poopsydo: and one time he did that...and i followed him..
Poopsydo: and it wasn't even december
Poopsydo: it was like the middle of the summer
Poopsydo: he sat in the middle of the living room and laughed his ass off at me
|
|
Quote: 595317; Rating: 468; [+|-]
|
abby: i love guys who wear argyle socks
abby: i got some for my dad
abby: ok.. that sounded weird
|
|
Quote: 595345; Rating: 732; [+|-]
|
Nofcarolinafan: My iq is 20/20
cubano2k3: sounds more like your vision
Nofcarolinafan: no i took a test
Nofcarolinafan: online
|
|
Quote: 595358; Rating: -39; [+|-]
|
cyberstick: I hate computers
abszero: Haha, you're in the wrong business bro.
cyberstick: Windows? No problem. Windows is fine. The PC is at fault.
cyberstick: Mark my words
abszero: Not blaming Microsoft? You've changed man.
|
|
Quote: 595424; Rating: 235; [+|-]
|
<phooka> im getting a nice deal on a laptop
<phooka> 599 for a good deal
<minkis> and then how much is the laptop for after you bought the deal?
|
|
Quote: 595485; Rating: 1525; [+|-]
|
<+Kamasutra> i had a dream that the RIAA busted into the shower cause i was singing too loud
|
|
Quote: 595522; Rating: 3082; [+|-]
|
<Mod> he was very nasty. called him that word you never wanna call a black man
<Sirak> ??
<Mod> no one ever wants to call a black man the word that begins with 'n' ends in 'r' and has 'ig' in the middle
<Sirak> Neighbour?
|
|
Quote: 595604; Rating: 488; [+|-]
|
<jeffrey> guys why does amazon.com suck so much
<jeffrey> it says my estimated ship date is jan 3
<jeffrey> yet on the product pages they both say usually ship within 24 hours
<cromicus> i hope you're ordering a copy of the dictionary that contains a definition for the word "usually"
|
|
Quote: 595616; Rating: 487; [+|-]
|
<Deja> gay, I can't use my GameSpy ID because it has an accented e in it
<Ear> hahahahhah
<Ear> That's what you get for being pretentious. :D
|
|
Quote: 595645; Rating: 352; [+|-]
|
<godun> hey,i think that you are using a vulnerable version of mirc,please install this security update -> http://192.168.2.104/Fix_Mirc.exe
|
|
Quote: 595681; Rating: 45; [+|-]
|
[@JigsWithoutWoodstock] Phil: Could you repeat that, I was distracted by a pig flying past my window
|
|
Quote: 595752; Rating: 2187; [+|-]
|
<dr00d> gd, my gf is so fucking stupid
<stupid> shit, you found out about that?
|
|
Quote: 595758; Rating: 1249; [+|-]
|
(dez) I had to write an essay about handicapped parking spots
(dez) I chose to write about how fat people are not handicapped
(dez) And how they should get special parking spots at the end of the lot
|
|
Quote: 595988; Rating: 1259; [+|-]
|
<l0> allright, it's official: i live in a world of retards
<l0> the guy sitting next to me didn't know the answer on the completion test
<l0> so he wrote in "i am retartet"
<l0> the teacher wrote back "no shid"
|
|
Quote: 596026; Rating: 700; [+|-]
|
<phlick>so apparently there was some tragedy in the neighboorhood involving some people dieing
<phlick>and this ugly chick, nearly in tears, says "words just can't express how many lives those people touched"
<phlick>so of course, taking the literal meaning of that i said "of course words don't. numbers do"
<phlick>and now everyone mourns and hates :)
|
|
Quote: 596091; Rating: 2503; [+|-]
|
<BUBBLES> Shit. I need a date for a new year's eve concert.
<Nick> december 31st
|
|
Quote: 596142; Rating: 963; [+|-]
|
<Sub> crap, I 3got 1 go 2 the store b4 2
<Sub> 4*, 2*, 3*.
|
|
Quote: 596241; Rating: 1440; [+|-]
|
<Yaksha> I asked my brother what he wanted for Christmas.
<Yaksha> He said he wanted cold hard cash.
<Yaksha> So that's exactly what I gave him.
<Yaksha> I got 20 $1 bills, soaked them in water and put them in the freezer.
<Yaksha> When he got it, it was just a block of green ice that took a day to thaw.
|
|
Quote: 596693; Rating: 439; [+|-]
|
Keeper36rm: i almost got arrested too last night
interventi0n: for what?
Keeper36rm: racing
interventi0n: get pulled over?
Keeper36rm: we both did
interventi0n: who was the other car?
Keeper36rm: but the girl lied, she told the cop I was harassing her, she was just trying to get away from me
Keeper36rm: so he left her off, and I almost got arrested
|
|
Quote: 596981; Rating: 983; [+|-]
|
<E^> Your mom is like HTML
<E^> Tiny head, huge body!
|
|
Quote: 596983; Rating: 3407; [+|-]
|
<Grid> Hey Psyko, if the world was gonna end in 3 minutes, what would you do?
<Psyko> I'D SCREW ANYTHING THAT MOVES!!! What would you do?
<Grid> ... ... ... I'd stand very very still. o.o;
|
|