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Quote: 787031; Rating: 3176; [+|-]
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<obm>If they make a Nano Iphone, I may be interested.
<obm>oh, or an iphone shuffle, no screen and it phones random people |
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Quote: 787734; Rating: 977; [+|-]
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Trey: for some reason IE is throwing a SHIT-FIT about where I'm using
document.getElementById("displayBoardSelector").innerHTML = html;
what the hell. explain your stupid browser.
Dakk12: did you properly light your incense?
Dakk12: in what order did you do the chant and throw the chicken bones? |
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Quote: 788112; Rating: 1558; [+|-]
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<Macko> helping out another customer with pc problems on the phone again today
<Macko> after he gave me his specs i told him "hold on for a second"
<Macko> three seconds later he's like, "ok, that turned my computer off" |
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Quote: 788118; Rating: 1063; [+|-]
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<michaelbunnyexclusivedazzo2004> good if you like to asked me anything pleazse feel free to asked ok? i have noi oproblem with communitcating
<michaelbunnyexclusivedazzo2004> with othere's here
<Cid> ...I think that's a matter of opinion. |
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Quote: 788340; Rating: 889; [+|-]
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<Aurin> Which reminds me of a tragic event that happened to me yesterday in a second-hand store
<Aurin> I found this Pikachu-suit intended for kids, but I swear it looked like I could wear it
<Aurin> So I take it with me and go to see if it would fit
<Rhys> and it turns out it has detachable buttflaps for anal sex?
<Aurin> Well, the rooms in second-hand stores are just like a corner behind a curtain
<Aurin> I tried it on and noticed it was too small
<Aurin> And it looked horribly, HORRIBLY wrong
<Aurin> Going in my butt and the sorts :<
<Rhys> pika g string
<Rhys> ^^;;
<Rhys> electric sex..?
<Aurin> Well, I was giggling at myself when I hear the voice of a shopping trolley, coming closer
<Aurin> *sound
<Nevada> haha
<Aurin> Then a voice of an old lady asking "IS ANYBODY THERE?!?"
<Aurin> And the curtain is ripped open
<Aurin> That was the most humble moment in my entire lifetime. |
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Quote: 788562; Rating: 254; [+|-]
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bitshifted: i just dropped a macbook power supply on my foot... and all my mother could think to do was quote that commerical where PC trips over his power cord and breaks his leg and Mac is fine because his has a smooooth disconnection
bitshifted: hi, i'm a linux box, and i... i can't feel my toes :( |
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Quote: 789044; Rating: 883; [+|-]
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soulmata: i wish i could get rid of my nuthair permanently
Caffeine_: get the laser hair removal
soulmata: sure lets point a laser at my cock |
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Quote: 789185; Rating: 2927; [+|-]
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<Belial`> you still cant say anything with certainty though
<Belial`> since the bible has like, a fucking black hole between jesus being a kid and his preaching days
<Catoptromancy> Phase 1, birth
<Catoptromancy> Phase 2, ???
<Catoptromancy> Phase 3, Prophet |
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Quote: 789230; Rating: 1453; [+|-]
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<Tal> Psh
<Tal> Our chem teacher said it didn't really matter how we titled the graphs and tables in our semester prac
<Tal> but i still lost marks for having a Table of +2 Undead Slaying and Graph of Destiny :( |
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Quote: 789240; Rating: 460; [+|-]
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< esper> you are being monitored
* esper throws a CRT.
< fenrir> Your father's LCD monitor... an elegant weapon, for a more civilized age |
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Quote: 789388; Rating: 1511; [+|-]
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<Duskmon> It must have blown to be one of the first outsiders to convert to Christianity.
<Duskmon> Like, you're reading through the Bible for the first time, and then a bunch of Hebrews burst into your Church shouting "CAIN KILLS ABEL IN GENESIS FOUR VERSE EIGHT!" |
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Quote: 789672; Rating: 2509; [+|-]
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grosslack: Hell is a place of everlasting damnation and fire.
locokamil: Your belief system is thermodynamically unsound. |
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Quote: 789709; Rating: 1656; [+|-]
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<xchlathx> "Dumbledore returns from the dead and declares it to be hammertime, Harry proceeds to break it down, Voldemort is unable to touch this." |
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Quote: 789761; Rating: 207; [+|-]
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<@plik> when life hands you lemons...
<redmatch> bring out the bacardi cola ? |
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Quote: 790133; Rating: 11936; [+|-]
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<third_planet> The other night my friend had some pot and wanted me to smoke it with him, but we had nowhere to smoke it because both our parents were home.
<third-planet> So we drove around looking for a place to park so we could smoke in the car.
<third-planet> We eventually settled on a Wendys parking lot..
<Mr-Butlertron> The logic is all there...
<third-planet> I know, it was a ridiculous idea. We were just desperate and that was the first place to pull off..
<third-planet> So we park in the back of the parking lot under this tree, and it's dark out, so we figure we're secluded enough. We start to light up and a cop pulls in. So we both sit really still and hope the cop will think the car is empty and just parked there. Or that he won't notice.
<third-planet> The cop circles the parking lot once, then parks behind us and we're both freaking out. So Bobby, my friend, takes all the pot and shoves it in the glove compartment. But the car smells like pot, so we figure we're busted.
<third-planet> So Bobby says we've gotta distract the cop from the pot. In a huge flash, he rips his shirt off, undoes my pants and sticks his hand inside. Before I can process what's happening, the cop knocks on my window. Then he looks in and sees Bobby shirtless, with his hand down my pants and turns bright red.
<third-planet> I roll my window down and the cop says in this really flustered voice, his face bright red, "you guys be good now" and walks quickly back to his car and drives off.
<third-planet> He didn't even notice the smell of pot.
<third-planet> We drove home in the most uncomfortable fucking silence ever. |
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Quote: 790290; Rating: -263; [+|-]
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<biot> somedays I want telekenesis
<demoncow> you're already telepathetic |
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Quote: 790334; Rating: 696; [+|-]
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crwuidth: It's going to be hilarious if i ever live long enough to have grandchildren.
crwuidth: "Wait, Gramps, so you guys used to drink ethyl alcohol? Isn't that what's in jet fuel?" "Yep. Great stuff, that. Shame they banned it when the synthetic stuff got made." "Wasn't it bad for you, drinking jet fuel?" "Made you feel like hell the next morning if you got hold of too much, that's for sure."
crwuidth: they may be psychics and cyborgs and shit, but we are going to be hardcore in ways our grandkids could never dream of being. |
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Quote: 790686; Rating: 499; [+|-]
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RadioMatthew:u00a0 LimeWire is like committing a solo crime.
RadioMatthew:u00a0 Torrenting is like being a part of the mafia. |
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Quote: 790689; Rating: 1320; [+|-]
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< evoxy> can anyone recommend a good php tutorial?
< Dynom> evoxy: goodphptutorials.com
< evoxy> lol i thought it was a bogus url
< Dynom> it works?
< Dynom> :-| wtf |
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Quote: 791077; Rating: 873; [+|-]
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(oxie) i want a dog
(+AlsoMike) why do you want a dog?
(oxie) dogs are cool
(+AlsoMike) but do you want a hairy, sometimes smelly friend who bums all his food and accomodation off you and defecates on your bedroom floor?
(oxie) yes ;)
(+AlsoMike) i'll move in tomorrow. |
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Quote: 791482; Rating: 4669; [+|-]
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<Snausages> So, an E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a bar.
<Snausages> And the bartender says,
<Snausages> "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
<Myke> That struck a chord.
<Snausages> Careful with those puns, you'll get in treble.
<Myke> But they're key to my humour.
<Myke> And very noteworthy. |
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Quote: 791769; Rating: 1493; [+|-]
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<SinTax> I did something today that nobody will be able to do ever again so long as the earth rotates.
<SinTax> I work at a hardware store. The truck had just come in, and we're unloading the junk from it. It's a lot of work. I was called over to help, so I drank all of my supersweet, very hot coffee in like two gulps.
<SinTax> About an hour later, after we're all done, I began to feel really sick from all the coffee, like I was going to throw up at any time. I just sort of stick it out though, because I don't want to look weak to the other hardware guys. They've got me outmuscled by like twenty pounds apiece.
<mInmAx> mmhm
<SinTax> I'm cleaning in the aisles, and some old woman walks up to me with her eight year old girl, asking me where the lightbulbs are.
<SinTax> The little girl is screaming for something on the little toy display while I'm trying to tell this old woman (Who did not seem to understand that we don't sell lightbulbs.)
<gorg> lol old people
<SinTax> and this girl is making a ruckus, running everywhere. I'm on my third explanation for our lack of lightbulbs, trying to keep the coffee in, when this girl slams the hell into me while she's running around.
<SinTax> I couldn't hold it in any longer, and I pretty much covered this screaming child in piping hot coffee and a sludgy mass of granola while her grandmother went off in the direction of our stockrooms to look for lightbulbs.
<SinTax> It was definitely worth the twenty something job applications I now have to write up all over again. |
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Quote: 792106; Rating: 1171; [+|-]
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<+Inca> Lydia: Why did George Bush cross the road?
<+Inca> Lydia: Because his penis was stuck in the chicken!
<+Inca> I have strange friends
<+spock1104> he fucked the chicken and didn't have an exit strategy >_> |
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Quote: 792343; Rating: 2660; [+|-]
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<SaxxonPike> mmm, steak
<SLASHSPIT> you guys don't respect the environment, do you?
<SaxxonPike> I respect a good dinner
<SLASHSPIT> how can you eat that? cows are like one of the largest contributors of methane gas
<SLASHSPIT> which contributes to global warming and stuff
<SLASHSPIT> so what are you all doing for the environment?
<SaxxonPike> I eat the fucking cows |
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Quote: 792888; Rating: 2035; [+|-]
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<Claws> Disabled people are the greatest.
<Claws> I have a friend who is in a wheel chair and he has the most awesome sense of humour ever.
<Claws> The other day two of my other friends were having an argument about something trivial, one of them turned to him and said "You'll stand up for me won't you"
<Claws> He just looked him straight in the eye and with the straightest face you'll ever see, said "Only if your name's Jesus" |
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Quote: 793150; Rating: 119; [+|-]
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xtreme rocketeer: oh man, what if gangs invented a machine to drive-by for them
xtreme rocketeer: called the handi-cap |
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Quote: 794278; Rating: 144; [+|-]
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<JohnDough> man being an athiest is so awesome, as long as you don't tell anybody
<JohnDough> i testified against my stepmom (whom i hate) in a trial today
<Forlorn> what did she do?
<JohnDough> nothing
<JohnDough> but the jury sure as hell thinks she did |
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Quote: 794363; Rating: 1384; [+|-]
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<Shovel> I ran across the worst named person in the world today...
<Shovel> I'm sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office, waiting for a physical before I go off to college in a few weeks.
<Shovel> I'm a little early and there are other people in the waiting room so when the nurse comes out to call the next person I'm pretty sure it's not me.
<Shovel> She walks out of the hallway, looks down at her clipboard and immediately turns around and goes back behind the door.
<Shovel> She's obviously talking to some of the other nurses.
<Shovel> When she comes back about 30 seconds later, she looks at the clipboard, takes a deep breath and says: "Shithead O'Neal, the doctor's able to see you now."
<Shovel> A large black woman stands up quickly and yells in a surprsingly stereotypical black women voice "IT'S PRONOUNCED SHAW-THEED!"
<Shovel> She storms off after the nurse, who is apologizing very loudly and everyone in the waiting room just looks at each other and exchange a few laughs and snickers. |
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Quote: 794379; Rating: 3253; [+|-]
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<karlmex> So a friend of mine got back from Amsterdam a few months back, after spending a stint there with a bunch of his mates.u00a0 Told me quite possibly one of the funniest stories Iu0092ve heard. They had picked up some shrooms and acid, and decided to take it in the wee hours of the morning, and spend the day exploring the city while they trippedu0085sure enough 20min into it, one of the group vanishes. So, after 7 or so hours of struggling to search for their lost friend, they decide itu0092d be best to head back to their hotel, sober up, regroup, and go looking when the gears worn off and theyu0092d be of more use.
<tubs> lol k
<karlmex> Anyway, upon arrival at the hotel, surprise suprise they find their friend standing in the lobby, dazed and staring at the ceiling muttering to himself.u00a0 Understandably they were all pissed off with him for making them worry and bringing their trip down as a result of their half assed search. However all the friend can reply with is u0093this fucking town is full of gremlins!u0094u0085 They tried to calm him down and tell him that it was the acid making him hallucinate, to which he replied u0093I knew youu0092d say that so I captured one and locked it in the bathroomu0085u0094
<tubs> lol?
<karlmex> as youu0092d expect they thought he was losing the plot, but he insisted they come to his room and look for themselves. So, they head to the room, and sure enough, the bathroom door is baracaded shut with chairs, lamps, mattress and the bedu0085they're getting a little worried now, so they cautiously move the furniture away and inch the door open
<tubs> and??
<karlmex> ...Laying on the floor is a 10 year old kid with Down syndrome grinning ear to ear.
<tubs> lol dude that's fucked up
<karlmex> The mate had come across one of those outing groups or retarded kids - freaked out, balled up one of those poor little bastards carried him back to the room and locked him in the bathroom for proof
<tubs> lol god man
<karlmex> anyway, luckily the kid had one of those ID cards saying u0093hi my name is Ted, I live at blah blahu0094 lol so yea, took the poor kid to the lobby, called the cops and did a runner before they arrived lol. |
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Quote: 795779; Rating: 2398; [+|-]
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<Aoi-chan> everyone's first vi session. ^C^C^X^X^X^XquitqQ!qdammit[esc]qwertyuiopasdfghjkl;:xwhat |
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Quote: 796183; Rating: 2773; [+|-]
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<imthatguy>u00a0 One night home from the bars, which aside from the occasional pizza place the only other thing open was this porno store.u00a0 I'm not sure why - I think one of my friends wanted to buy a magazine - but we went in, and annoyed the shop's patrons by picking up every ridiculous sex toy and laughing about it loudly. The most absurd thing we found was a large plastic beer can - meant to look like "Coors Light," or something, but much larger - and when you unscrewed the cap at the top, there was a latex vagina inside, that you were meant to stick your dick in and fuck the can. Well, not really "fuck" the can, exactly, but masturbate with it.
<imthatguy>u00a0 So of course we have to buy the beer can vagina, because we're drunk and it's funny, and we figure we'll find some entertaining unintended use for it. So we paid for it and continued on our merry way back to the hotel. Once there we said our goodbyes and retired to our rooms, and I realized that somehow I'd gotten stuck carrying the bag from the sex store. I set it down on the desk and didn't think much about it. That is, for a few minutes, until I found myself sitting on the bed in my hotel room, drunk and lonely and sexually frustrated, and I kept staring over at that stupid beer can vagina.
<imthatguy> "Maybe I should just try it. Just see what it feels like..." I mean, why not, right? You know. Just for kicks, right? So you know what? I fucked it. Yeah. I fucked a plastic beer can. I fucked the shit out of that can. And you know what? It felt alright. It did the trick. That is, until it was all over. Until the moment after, when I was hit by a sobering freight train of humility, looking down at my dick stuck inside a latex vagina housed in a plastic beer can. Moments like that you start to question everything - "How the hell did it come to this? Who am I? What am I doing with my life?" I probably sat there for an hour, silently with my plastic lover, pondering my existence.
<imthatguy> The next morning, when the subject of the previous night came up and someone said, "oh, where's that funny beer can thing we got? Rob, you had it, right?" And everyone looks at me, and I just stare at them for a moment, and then say, "...I fucked it. I fucked it and I hated myself, and now it's gone." There was a slight pause, followed by uproarious laughter. The ridicule took months to subside. |
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Quote: 796206; Rating: 694; [+|-]
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<+slaitch> right then
<+slaitch> i need to be on my way
<+slaitch> you all will hear from me...... I dunno when
<+slaitch> not more than 10 days, though
* +slaitch goes to oregon
* +slaitch ([email protected]) Quit (Quit: )
* @Esoteric immediately starts thinking 'slaitch has died of dysentery.' |
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Quote: 796356; Rating: 4492; [+|-]
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<MftS> Who the fuck is the one naming hurricanes?
<MftS> They somehow manage to give them the least threatening names ever.
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Erin was coming I'd think to myself, "Erin? I could take that slut."
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Dicksmasher was approaching, I'd grab all the money in the house, shove it in my pockets, and get the fuck out of there. |
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Quote: 796595; Rating: 1280; [+|-]
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<ZellKFF> We were talking about religion today
<ZellKFF> and my 6 years old kid asked me "religion? is that a legendary pokemon?" |
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Quote: 796651; Rating: 2292; [+|-]
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<pritch> jeez
<pritch> sauron couldve got the one ring on ebay for u00a34.99
<pritch> oh wait
<pritch> excludes delivery to mordor
<fragglet> one does not simply deliver to mordor |
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Quote: 796712; Rating: 27; [+|-]
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u00abSretsnomu00bb im 100% male
u00abKefkau00bb I'm 92% male
u00abSretsnomu00bb >__>
u00abSretsnomu00bb whats the 8%
u00abKefkau00bb That's after I've had a few |
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Quote: 796742; Rating: 1327; [+|-]
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<ed> I get a tad weirded out when he prays on his prayer rag in the cubicle
<ed> He says he's facing Mecca. My GPS says he's facing Detroit.
<ed> He's going to end up in Heaven with 77 Pintos and a Ford Maverick. |
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Quote: 797153; Rating: 4029; [+|-]
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Slimtoad20: US Airways flight 404 is flying through the Bermuda Triangle today.
Slimtoad20: Yeah, that one doesn't stand a chance. |
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Quote: 797814; Rating: 1570; [+|-]
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<balls>u00a0 that was the funniest thing that's ever happened to me
<balls>u00a0 im getting ready to build a computer, and my dad comes into my room.u00a0 he starts talking like hes giving me the talk about abstinence and shit.u00a0 he says stuff like "son, we want you to be safe, you know that" and just when it seems like he's gonna give me a condom, he holds out his hand, and he gives me a fucking static wrist strap.
<balls>u00a0 i never laughed so hard in my dad's face. |
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Quote: 797984; Rating: 2302; [+|-]
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<+Scott> I had my dreams crushed yesterday. It turns out the newspaper headline "Village still looking for paedophile" wasn't a vacancy. |
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Quote: 798308; Rating: 1511; [+|-]
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<@je_fro> fox news isn't really news
<@je_fro> it's actually one of the largest trolling experiments ever conducted |
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Quote: 799370; Rating: 1131; [+|-]
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<@Phil> Hey, not saying your vagina isn't mighty. I mean, people LOVE the grand canyon...
<@Squash> Well guys like it when they can go in deep.
<@Phil> Yeah, but not when they'll fall in and die. |
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Quote: 799497; Rating: 1293; [+|-]
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<CuttingEdge> Current Global Users: 300
<CuttingEdge> not doing too badly today
<LordCow> sweet, 300
<LordCow> now we can attack the persians |
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Quote: 799628; Rating: 465; [+|-]
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taebaeg: Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide?
TheZedWord: apparently
lemonlimeskull: Someone let him watch one of his own films. |
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Quote: 800336; Rating: 1246; [+|-]
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<balls>u00a0 OMFG
<balls>u00a0 telemarketer calls today, offering me a piece of crap credit card.u00a0 i said hold on, i'll get my mom
<balls>u00a0 i wait about 20 seconds then play never gonna give you up.
<balls>u00a0 they hung up after about a minute of screaming "hello?u00a0 hello?u00a0 hello?"
<balls>u00a0 i rickroll'd a fucking telemarketer |
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Quote: 800849; Rating: 795; [+|-]
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<DonMuttoni_> what do you do when you've fallen in love with your best friends ex after shooting her down, sending him to the hospital with a drug overdose, and then running over her deaf cat.... all two weeks before you leave the continent....?
<KingOfAll> Leave a fortnight early. |
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Quote: 801390; Rating: 93; [+|-]
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<kerushixx> dude, i just saw a moth fart!
<tulam> 0_o
<tulam> how do you know it farted?
<kerushixx> it flew in a straight line |
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Quote: 801439; Rating: 566; [+|-]
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<baubles> found a site on making your own saline solution.. there are lots of typos and random letters. the guy apologizes, said he went blind |
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Quote: 801477; Rating: 2779; [+|-]
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(idestroy) sigh
(idestroy) ok so
(idestroy) my friend got a handle of smirnoff vodka
(idestroy) we killed it together in like an hour
(idestroy) I went to bed
(idestroy) in boxers
(idestroy) apparently
(idestroy) I woke up and had to poo
(idestroy) instead of going to my bathroom
(idestroy) I went out into the hallway
(idestroy) into the stairwell
(idestroy) removed my boxers and placed them on the stairs
(idestroy) then took a massive liquidy shit at the top of the steps
(idestroy) walked THROUGH it
(idestroy) leaving poopy footprints
(idestroy) left my boxers there
(idestroy) went DOWN TO THE 2nd FLOOR
(idestroy) from the third
(idestroy) banged on random people's doors
(idestroy) people came out and saw me walking down the hall naked with shit on my ass
(idestroy) I made it to the stairs again
(idestroy) went back to my floor but down a few doors to my friends
(idestroy) there was like 15 people in their room
(idestroy) it was packed
(idestroy) I was naked
(idestroy) I went into their bathroom
(idestroy) and everyone was like what the fuck
(idestroy) went into the toilet stall, tried to clean my ass
(idestroy) FELL OVER AND SMEARED SHIT ON THEIR WALL
(idestroy) meanwhile someone went back to my room and got my clothes
(idestroy) and someone else found the poo
(idestroy) they brought my clothes over
(idestroy) I tried to put my shirt on my legs
(idestroy) and said THESE ARENT MY PANTS
(idestroy) so I got help with that
(idestroy) got walked back to my room
(idestroy) and went back to sleep
(idestroy) woke up the next day
(idestroy) thought it was a dream
(idestroy) called my friend paul
(idestroy) he told me all about it
(idestroy) :(
(ZS) note to self: never let idestroy have alcohol
(idestroy) there's a facebook group "who pooped on the stairs" |
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Quote: 801688; Rating: 681; [+|-]
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Shinryuu: I think I just heard the worst local news pun ever.
Shinryuu: "No, it's not a cartoon, It's Felix the Cat 5 Hurricane." |
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