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Quote: 759323; Rating: 223; [+|-]
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<Bane|Gone> that's ok...i had a dream once that a friend came over in the morning and was stabbing me in the nutsack. then i woke up and it turned out that a spring in my mattress had broken and was poking through.
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Quote: 759367; Rating: 965; [+|-]
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Coff:We should bring rain ponchoes back. Problem Solved.
Cyg:New Problem: I don't want to look like a homeless wizard.
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Quote: 759408; Rating: 611; [+|-]
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<@Berryful> The typing is strong in this one
<@Berryful> but i fear he has fallen to the dvorak side
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Quote: 759646; Rating: 201; [+|-]
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[ + [Adam] ]: MAN
[ + [Adam] ]: I want an arab inflatable sex doll
[ + [Adam] ]: they blow themSELVES up
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Quote: 759722; Rating: 512; [+|-]
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thisismykittyx: so i went into victoria's secret and asked one of the bra-fitting ladies if they carried AAs.
thisismykittyx: and the lady goes, "try radioshack".
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Quote: 759747; Rating: 52; [+|-]
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<cinco`de`mayo> Are Mexicans really baptized in bean dip?
<cinco`de`mayo> Yes, but only because Jesus once said, Blessed are the refried, for they shall inherit the southwest United States.
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Quote: 759758; Rating: 1857; [+|-]
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dantose: Do u get a trophy 4 it????
rocker576: It occurs to me that typing "u" instead of "you" and "4" instead of "for" saved you 4 (not "for") keystrokes. Typing "????" instead of "?" used 3 keystrokes plus the use of the shift button for a total of 4 keystrokes. Thus, you have saved no effort whatsoever by kicking the English language.
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Quote: 759772; Rating: 250; [+|-]
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Informatik: My final iMac price ended up at $3,752
Informatik: xd
Motley: the hell did you add? a used car?
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Quote: 759821; Rating: 222; [+|-]
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<Greystripe> one day, i'm gonna own my own company
<Greystripe> and it's gonna get big
<Greystripe> and i'll be like bill gates, but less of an arse
<Greystripe> and i'll be all rich and famous
<Greystripe> but i'll still come in here
<Greystripe> and i'll be like "hey guys, did you see me on the news?"
<Greystripe> because, let's face it, i'm never gonna have a social life
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Quote: 759858; Rating: 1283; [+|-]
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<KaiserPanda> spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can
<KaiserPanda> clings to walls, licks his balls
<KaiserPanda> but not at the same time or else he faaaaalls!
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Quote: 759906; Rating: 802; [+|-]
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<jeet> u guys are dumb... i like shemale porn its like regular porn but with more boobs
<vrunt> uhh... okay
<LainWave> jeet: putting the xy back in sexy
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Quote: 759974; Rating: 136; [+|-]
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<mranostay> I have this dream of hiring a hooker, and when she asks what I want done, one word "Cronjob".
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Quote: 760002; Rating: 768; [+|-]
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*Anony-X has joined #mac*
<Emoxin> sometimes when im masturbating i look at pictures of dogs. not dogs having sex or anything, just dogs. like chasing frisbees and shit. just the way they move and their bark gets me so hot. i can fit 3 more fingers in my pussy when theres a dog around.
<Anony-X> mac users, i swear to god...
*Anony-X has left #mac*
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Quote: 760053; Rating: 132; [+|-]
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Xrevolution: :)
Xrevolution: thats the look on his face
leninadelawl: no its more like
leninadelawl: =)
leninadelawl: pwned
Xrevolution: your use of "pwned" is about as vague and inaccurate as my mom calling anyone with hair other than a buzzcut a "punk"
Xrevolution: in other words, stfu
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Quote: 760106; Rating: 248; [+|-]
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<Bear> it's why it [LandRover Series 3] rattles on the motorway
<Locandez> Like a skeleton masturbating in a filing cabinet
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Quote: 760180; Rating: 323; [+|-]
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Trex: I like my women like I like my cars!
Prometheus: Expensive?
Dromiceiomimus: Foreign?
Epi: Um... revved up?
Crow: Fast?
Brex: low-maintenance with a wide tailpipe?
Dromiceiomimus: Freshly waxed, with a GPS tracking system?
Lorn: Trex, this is insanely sexist! Besides, I like my women like I like my databases.
Trex: Managable?
Lorn: Corrupted!
Trex: ...
Trex: No fucking comment.
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Quote: 760182; Rating: 96; [+|-]
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<+walken> Vlad, if you were a piece of software
<+walken> which one would you be?
<+shiwan> walken: Hmm. ICBM control software, so that I could blow millions of men at once?
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Quote: 760204; Rating: 1649; [+|-]
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<thefwf> I just realised soemthing while watching spongebob with my mates
<thefwf> They were like "wtf, how come the food stays on the plate underwater"
<thefwf> and I was like
<thefwf> "WHY IS THERE A TALKING SPONGE LIVING IN A FUCKING PINEAPPLE"
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Quote: 760210; Rating: 669; [+|-]
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<Narcogen> "I rented that guy's ass for an hour last night."
<Dom> ...
* Dom takes that out of context
<Narcogen> You can't take it out of context
<Dom> watch me.
<Narcogen> it's a flat-out reference to gay sex
<Dom> ...you son of a bitch.
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Quote: 760257; Rating: 302; [+|-]
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<Kortney> Actually, Linux users and atheists have a lot in common. At least, in my mind. There's no higher power (or help desk) to appeal to when stuff goes south, you've analyzed every component of the universe (because you compiled it), and you're fiercely evangelical while bashing evangelicals. :)
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Quote: 760353; Rating: 509; [+|-]
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HughDario: Man, so one of my Jewish friends the other day told me he doesn't believe in the moon landing.
HughDario: So I told him that I don't believe in the Holocaust and he dropped the subject.
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Quote: 760500; Rating: -7; [+|-]
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Chadwick: bash is like community college, it's all the class clowns and complete idiots
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Quote: 760655; Rating: 312; [+|-]
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<siq> so I was taking a shit in the engineering building today...
<siq> and there was some force equation written on the wall.
<siq> below it someone wrote "who studies fluids on the pooper?"
<siq> below that someone replied "someone with diarrhea"
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Quote: 760666; Rating: 476; [+|-]
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SouLTaKeR2023: wanna hear something funny/entertaining?
MacaroniFeets: always
SouLTaKeR2023: ok well I was watching this excellent flick
SouLTaKeR2023: entitled "A girl takes two loads in the mouth, then swollows it"
SouLTaKeR2023: anyways
SouLTaKeR2023: here is why I love porn bloopers
SouLTaKeR2023: two guys
SouLTaKeR2023: done fucking this redhead
SouLTaKeR2023: they stand on either side of her
SouLTaKeR2023: ready to do whats mentioned in the title
SouLTaKeR2023: the guy does his thing and puts his cock on the side of her mouth, aiming at the opposite cheek
MacaroniFeets: oh god
SouLTaKeR2023: but when he fires....he hits the other guys cock
MacaroniFeets: OH SICK
SouLTaKeR2023: and there is this
SouLTaKeR2023: long silence
SouLTaKeR2023: and this is the entertaining part
SouLTaKeR2023: you hear the other guy mumble "goddamn, not again"
SouLTaKeR2023: take 3 anyone?
MacaroniFeets: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
MacaroniFeets: dude
MacaroniFeets: send me that video
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Quote: 760787; Rating: 302; [+|-]
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<dweez> f33dback, opinions are like assholes
<f33dback> so if you don't have one you're full of shit?
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Quote: 760798; Rating: -281; [+|-]
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<+TrailMix> don't bugs always have wings?
<+Inca> centipede?
<@rowsdower`> centipedes do not have wings
<@rowsdower`> thank god
<@rowsdower`> i would just shoot myself if they did
<+Jack> jesus
<+Jack> "HAI DUD WHATS UP"
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Quote: 760806; Rating: 1369; [+|-]
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<[18s]> i accidentally went to 'bach.org' instead of bash
<[18s]> and i found some sweet tunes.
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Quote: 760869; Rating: 155; [+|-]
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<Randy`> took duey 2 hours to complete the vista cycle
<Randy`> from 'I'm going to install vista' to 'vista ftl'
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Quote: 761092; Rating: 471; [+|-]
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[Wex] Before IRC I could masturbate to the word boobs.
[Wex] Now I need /at least/ German bondage.
[Wex] I hate you all.
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Quote: 761380; Rating: 273; [+|-]
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<pmMike> getting onto bash is like breaking into a tank
<Sea_BBL> although nopt quite as satisfactorry when you have pulled it off.
<Sea_BBL> -bad spelling
<Erasmus> To be honest if you spend a lot of time trying to do either you've made a wrong turn in life somewhere.
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Quote: 761414; Rating: 7463; [+|-]
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SergioThree: there's other fish in the sea, man, she's just a girl
Beatsfromkorea: no dude, that's bullshit.
Beatsfromkorea: Think of it this way. if your precious copy of street fighter third strike broke and i told you "it's ok man, there's other games in the sea. here, play mortal kombat instead" what would you say? you'd be like, "fuck that, gimme third strike."
SergioThree: ...
SergioThree: you just reached me on a level that i never thought possible
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Quote: 761444; Rating: 396; [+|-]
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<ChrisTheKiwi> Roses are red
<ChrisTheKiwi> Violets are blue
<ChrisTheKiwi> Im way to drunk
<ChrisTheKiwi> To have sex with you
<ChrisTheKiwi> So forgive me my dear
<ChrisTheKiwi> I must go spewjhgfknhguiaaqwjhilhih
<Ater> What THE hell?
<Socko> 0_o
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Quote: 761518; Rating: 2283; [+|-]
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cag URL tara: When I was in high school, the school board decided that the biology students had to pay for the fetal pigs that were being dissected. After the course was done, my friend Amy demanded that she be allowed to take the pig, since she had paid for it. There was some WTF from the school, but she got her
pig. That weekend, she and her brother dressed the pig up in some baby clothes and a blanket, drove down the street and lit a smoke bomb in the car. They were passing a couple walking down the street when Amy leaned out of the car and yelled "Save my baby" and tossed the pig at the couple. They were doing about 50 mph
so she missed the couple. The baby/pig hit the sidewalk, skidded along the concrete, shedding parts and limbs before it impacted a mailbox.
She said she had never seen such a horrified look in her life.
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Quote: 761773; Rating: 328; [+|-]
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<ManInBlack> I swear to god, the next person to submit a "best typo ever" quote is going to get garrotted with a cat5 cable. We get it, you suck at typing.
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Quote: 761842; Rating: 1201; [+|-]
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<bofh> slugbug uh
<bofh> One time I passed this person driving
<bofh> One hand holding a cup of coffee
<bofh> the other hand holding her cellphone to her ear
<bofh> No hands on the keyboard.
<bofh> She wound up trying to merge INTO us.
<tgies> they call it a "steering wheel" I think
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Quote: 761845; Rating: 378; [+|-]
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(@Da_Wrecka) Vista is something that Satan looks at and goes "FUCK, why didn't I think of that?"
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Quote: 761868; Rating: 295; [+|-]
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<@Rakzor> I hate gravity, it's always keepin me down.
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Quote: 761884; Rating: 2485; [+|-]
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<classyhorse23> I had to google "jfgi" to see what it meant. The irony is overwhelming.
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Quote: 762169; Rating: 1578; [+|-]
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SynAdam: whats harder than nailing a baby to a wall?
Kato: ...what?
SynAdam: my dick while im doing it
Kato: ....
SynAdam: get it?
Kato: what in the FUCK is wrong with you?!
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Quote: 762328; Rating: 1084; [+|-]
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<thou> yeah he isn't really that hrd..
<thou> *hard
<arak0n> lern sum grammer u fuckin noob
<thou> damn if I were you, I wouldn't be worrying about other people's grammar.
<arak0n> it jus annois me when all them fukin noobs cum in here, an u cant unerstand anytin they r sayin. it make me wana just leve the channel
* thou has left #wii (me too man. me too.)
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Quote: 762388; Rating: 1744; [+|-]
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<Chrysalid^Revenge> I had something like that happen to me once.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> And vengeance is a plate best served cold.
* Sectoid^Authopsy sits down for storytime
<Chrysalid^Revenge> I saw some asshole stealing my pack of cigarettes from my table while I was getting another beer.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> But of course, as I confronted him, he denied it flatly, and all the sudden four of his mates were getting ready for a fight and shit.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> So I decided to back down, and rather get one over him later.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Of course, living in an army camp has it's advantages, such as easy access to ammo.
<Sectoid^Authopsy> o_0
<Chrysalid^Revenge> So I took two Winner Tip cartridges, a little bit of tobacco, and quite a generous amount of gunpowder from a blank I 'obtained', topping it off with tobacco to get a proper look.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Next weekend, I leave my pack containing two cigs rather indiscreetly at my table when I see this assholes is at the pub, and go to pick up another beer.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> When I come back, the pack has vanished. So I get hold of one of the bouncers, telling him that I saw someone carrying "what looked like fireworks around".
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Ten seconds later, there's some nasty fizzing, a lot of smoke and a huge fucking flame coming from one of the corner tables, and seconds later, the same thing happens in the hand of one of the guys sitting there.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> And at this point, it has to be mentioned that watching two bouncers pull a screaming guy with no eyebrows left, and a nasty burn up half his face out of a pub, 'accidentally' drop him down the stairs, and finally call the cops on him, does lead to a certain smugness.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> The morale is, don't you ever fucking touch my cigarettes. I can probably spare you one if you ask, but fucking ask first, okay?!
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Quote: 762565; Rating: -622; [+|-]
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Erik: when did anakin skywalker become evil?
Melissa: when?!
Erik: in the sith grade!
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Quote: 762628; Rating: 608; [+|-]
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<kow|wk> so
<kow|wk> worth noting
<kow|wk> running "reboot -h" does NOT produce a helpful usage message
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Quote: 762681; Rating: 635; [+|-]
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dmwit: You know, my first year at college they gave me a whistle.
dmwit: They told me it was a rape whistle.
dmwit: But no matter how hard I blew, I never got raped. =(
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Quote: 762742; Rating: 1016; [+|-]
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<godlys0ldier> How can i know what a $rand number is gonna be
<Spitfire3292> ...Thats gotta be the fuckin stupidest thing i've heard all day
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Quote: 762870; Rating: 591; [+|-]
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<ZaXorZ> if you get glitter on you, be prepared to have it on you forever.
<ZaXorZ> Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies
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Quote: 762890; Rating: 627; [+|-]
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<Nangijala> activists in copenhagen have really figured it out this time
<Carrots> whats going on now?
<Nangijala> now instead of throwing rocks and rioting
<Nangijala> they have climbed up in a tower
<Nangijala> and will jump out if the politicians doesn't listen to them
<Astral\afk> :D
<Nangijala> now there's a problem that solves itself if i've ever seen one
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Quote: 762910; Rating: 690; [+|-]
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<Dave> Question: Is it "right" to stop registered sex offenders from registering on social networking sites?
<highvoltage> Dave: where do you register to become a sex offender?
* Vhata falls off his chair laughing
<Dave> highvoltage: at your local school...
<MrKen> Dave: No, that's where they hold the auditions
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Quote: 762975; Rating: 496; [+|-]
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<patchinko> jerry falwell's dead
<darsu> a-who?
<lynkali> :o
<lynkali> really?
<patchinko> he died like >3 hours ago
<Cthulhu> umm, you misread that part jon
<Cthulhu> "School official said Falwell was fine at breakfast"
<Prakk> they ate his corpse?
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Quote: 763087; Rating: 450; [+|-]
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<ganked> Did the doctor give you your test results?
<ct> Yeah. Looks like all those years of phone sex caught up with me.
<ct> I have hearing AIDS.
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