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Quote: 700871; Rating: 249; [+|-]
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<JoeyTribbz> A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
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Quote: 700994; Rating: 479; [+|-]
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<Marco> stfu, i'm doing an IQ test on the net
<Paranoua> if you want somethin positive do a HIV-test
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Quote: 701063; Rating: 492; [+|-]
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<fugi> a friend of mine just got a dog from a vietnamese family today, I suggested he name it Chewy.
<b0rked> why?
<fugi> why else would vietnamese get rid of a dog?
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Quote: 701077; Rating: 387; [+|-]
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<bill-s> why is evryone on the internets suddenly preoccupied if I wipe front-to-back or back-to-front?
<BoltBait> Sounds to me like SOMEONE wipes the wrong direction. :D
<bill-s> STFU!
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Quote: 701105; Rating: 1087; [+|-]
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<tC-CS|royce> man
<tC-CS|royce> the guy at mcdonalds didnt react at all when i ordered fillet o fish, no fish, no cheese, extra tartar sauce
<tC-CS|royce> and i gotta tell you
<tC-CS|royce> this thing is disgusting.
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Quote: 701197; Rating: 677; [+|-]
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<Panda-> i love irc so much more than my family
<Panda-> mainly because my grandmother doesnt recognize me
<Panda-> BUT AUTHSERV DOES!
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Quote: 701336; Rating: 624; [+|-]
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FLEAM0: I had to watch Memoirs of a Geisha with my friend's Japanese exchange student...I kept wondering what I would think if I went to Japan and they showed me a movie called Memories Of A Hooker
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Quote: 701390; Rating: 164; [+|-]
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<Snurks> holy god they're making a The Little Mermaid III
<MessedRawker> featuring a dead horse as a new co-star right?
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Quote: 701503; Rating: 279; [+|-]
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<@w0k> i love myself, i'm so full of myself i could puke up a Clone
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Quote: 701504; Rating: 652; [+|-]
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andrewy: linux exploits are like IF THE MOON IS IN FRONT OF VENUS AND YOU ARE LEFT HANDED AND SOMEONE ALREADY HAS LOCAL ACCESS AND YOU HAVE YAEWS (YET ANOTHER EMACS WEB SERVER) INSTALLED IT MIGHT BE POSSIBLE UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS TO BECOME ROOT
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Quote: 701542; Rating: 1748; [+|-]
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<Jarik_Tentsu> Gah, I just snorted while laughing.
<Jarik_Tentsu> And I have a cold.
<Jarik_Tentsu> Urgh, this is disgusting.
<Jarik_Tentsu> Luckily, it missed my girlfriend - they're hard to clean.
<Jarik_Tentsu> err...
<Jarik_Tentsu> *girlfriend = keyboard.
<Jarik_Tentsu> O_O
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Quote: 701644; Rating: 1520; [+|-]
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<coolbreze> heres a better qustion; what is the qucikest way to set up and FTP Server?
<SpeedEvil> coolbreze: post your root password in a warez group.
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Quote: 702016; Rating: -268; [+|-]
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<[AOD]Jrgsubzero> Lag isn't something you should have to get used to.
<[AOD]Jrgsubzero> Its like getting used to hilter killing jews.
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Quote: 702057; Rating: 332; [+|-]
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<Panzurfaust> I love stupid ass people.
<Cade> You're so damn conceited.
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Quote: 702287; Rating: 1409; [+|-]
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<jamariquay> I never understood the need for people to kill for their religion. Then I remembered, "Wait. If Optimus Prime tells me to gack someone, that fucker's going down."
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Quote: 702289; Rating: 2407; [+|-]
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<Shadow> what the fuck
<Shadow> my moniter just went black
<Shadow> then came back on
<&Aphrodite> You're lucky
<&Aphrodite> I heard normally they never go back
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Quote: 702332; Rating: 668; [+|-]
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<APC> I steal from the automated checkout all the fucking time now
<APC> Well, I still pay
<APC> I just lie about what I bought
<APC> for instance
<APC> 2 pounds of bananas costs less than say, 2 pounds of hustler and playboy
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Quote: 702568; Rating: 1574; [+|-]
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<Mithandir> it's interesting how much you can tell about the designers of a product by looking at the end result
<Mithandir> for instance I can clearly tell that whomever thought it was a good idea to have "exit program" and "suspend computer" buttons on a keyboard didn't have cats
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Quote: 702617; Rating: 1071; [+|-]
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<Jim Kuhn> I just think it is silly that if I live in certain states in a 'free country' that I am not allowed to even read a poker forum.
<DrSavage> What gave you an impression that you live in a free country?
<bigalt> fox news
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Quote: 702658; Rating: 1246; [+|-]
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Yogo: i hate stupid people!!!!!
Yogo: stood in the queue at a self service checkout
Yogo: guy infront scans a bottle of milk and looks at the screen, a message pops up and an automated voice say "please place item in bagging area"
Yogo: he looks at the screen, then tries to scan the item again
Yogo: and again, "please place item in bagging area"
Yogo: so his wife looks all confused, grabs the milk and....
Yogo: tries to fucking scan it again!!
Yogo: i was almost in tears
Yogo: i think these machines should be build so if it has to tell you what to do 3 times a small arm should pop out and remove that persons reproductive organs!
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Quote: 702947; Rating: -335; [+|-]
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Doug: Dude... the funniest thing just happened. I was looking for this smart guy that I know on AIM and his name is Russell... And I almost accidentaly IMed you instead.
Russ: how do you block someone?
Doug: You're probably using a Mac... I have no clue
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Quote: 703011; Rating: 393; [+|-]
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<Twisten> Generalised question.
<Blue> Answer.
<Twisten> Was I talking to you!?
<Blue> Ah, comedy gold.
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Quote: 703138; Rating: 3310; [+|-]
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<sd> I was once trying to explain to an exec why his account would never be absolutely secure.
<sd> Me: "If somebody wants your account information badly enough, he's going to get it. He doesn't have to hack the system, he can just get it from you."
<sd> Exec: "That's crazy, I'd never give anyone my password."
<sd> Me: "Imagine you come home and find someone's broken in. He's got a gun to your daughter's head, and he tells you he's going to shoot in ten seconds if you don't give him your password. What would you do?"
<sd> Exec: [long pause] ... Which daughter?
<sd> To this day I still don't know if he was joking. But I no longer use that example.
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Quote: 703157; Rating: 5; [+|-]
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<BeaVer> why does my wife have to work nights
<BeaVer> :/
<broken> because the milkman's wife works days
<BeaVer> true
<BeaVer> but all the strippers work at night as well
<broken> hence the balance in the universe
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Quote: 703209; Rating: 186; [+|-]
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<Comrade> Dude, so the other day after school, this crazy evangelical lady randomly came up to me.
<Comrade> So she was tryin to get me to convert to Christianity and I just ignored her. But I only caught the last few words which were, "Jesus is in all of us!!"
<Comrade> So in an attempt to get her to go away, I said, "Lady, if Jesus was in me I would file charges for rape."
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Quote: 703541; Rating: 397; [+|-]
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<dan> I really like this girl
<hannelore> Sneak into her room late at night
<hannelore> And play a hypnosis tape
<dan> hypnosis would be the shit
<dan> I could start dating girls instantly
<dan> and if I wanted to break up with her, I could just snap my fingers
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Quote: 703545; Rating: 921; [+|-]
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<tom93> you know you watch too much porn when you start to recognise the MALE pornstars.
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Quote: 703614; Rating: -691; [+|-]
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<Zio> man, I keep expecting my room to fill up with jews
<Jace> eh?
<Zio> it's an oven in here!
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Quote: 703708; Rating: 1569; [+|-]
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<zealo> I need sleep....
<zealo> I went to take a crap and took off my shirt instead of my pants
<zealo> I actually sat down before i realised what was wrong
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Quote: 703713; Rating: 746; [+|-]
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<Ninja_P> Okay, I just watched a guy puke in a glass, then drink it again
<DragonAtma> Congratulations, you now know how congress operates.
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Quote: 703787; Rating: 600; [+|-]
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<RedSkyinWinter> I used to want to date you, back when I was a failure.
<RedSkyinWinter> ...
<RedSkyinWinter> ...not implying that the two coincide in any way.
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Quote: 704045; Rating: 803; [+|-]
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I Concordia I: would you kiss a dude for your life?
paintballa265: I for one choose death
I Concordia I: you wouldn't kiss a guy over dying?
paintballa265: Like what are we talking here
paintballa265: How you kiss your mom
paintballa265: or how i do?
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Quote: 704110; Rating: 1211; [+|-]
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BluECliQ: believing that Mcafee is going to protect you from hackers and viruses is exactly like believing that republicans can actually protect you from terrorists
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Quote: 704472; Rating: 1182; [+|-]
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<nyk> i need a floppy disc, anyone know where I can get one this late?
<Vulcan> walmart maybe, its open 24 hours.
<Jordan_M> i know some mexicans that are hardcore tech guys that could get you a floppy disc
<nyk> so you both say walmart?
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Quote: 704747; Rating: 2409; [+|-]
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<jtripp> I own a few sites and one of them sells baby products. A couple of weeks ago a customer ordered a gift for her sister and asked that it be shipped directly to her sister's house.
<jtripp> Well it turns out that she gave me the wrong address. When I called her to get the correct one she said her sister would call me. Unfortunately UPS returned the package before the sister called.
<jtripp> So, I reshipped the package out to the correct address but there were UPS fees for returning and resending the package. When I phoned to tell the customer here is what she said to me...
<jtripp> "I'll never shop online again, this is too much of a hassle. I had NO IDEA the right address would be so important."
<jtripp> What!?!?!?
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Quote: 704840; Rating: 706; [+|-]
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dan: i need a serious, business-type description of a blog
null: Unprofitable.
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Quote: 705161; Rating: 468; [+|-]
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NBnate14: GOD DAMNIT MY ROOM MATE IS MOONING ME
NBnate14: AND HE WONT STOP
MikeGinn440: kick his ass literally
NBnate14: damnit it's like live goatse
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Quote: 705361; Rating: 3022; [+|-]
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<Delanushorse> Dude, I was eating a chocolate bar in my kitchen the other day,
when my mom walks in
<Delanushorse> I was like "it's like an orgasm in my mouth" and my mom says "oh, believe
me, you DON'T want to know what that tastes like".
<Delanushorse> I guess she realized what she said, because she walked out really quickly.
<Delanushorse> :(
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Quote: 705365; Rating: 2264; [+|-]
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<Ben> I love the internet.
<@Reb> ...
<Ben> You can ask your girl friends about their problems
<Ben> Play xbox for 20 minutes
<Ben> Come back, say "Yeah you're right..."
<Ben> Then go play some more xbox.
<@Reb> ...You son of a bitch that was me!
<Ben> REBECCA?
*** Reb sets mode: +b Ben*!*@*.*
*** Ben has been kicked by Reb (Asshole)
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Quote: 705670; Rating: 249; [+|-]
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<ComputerNap> if you burn something at a lower speed, it doesn't read slower, does it?
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Quote: 705689; Rating: 589; [+|-]
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<Ainslee> does anyone here use a computer that much that they find it physically painful to write after a while?
<MellerTime> Ainslee: you mean, on like... paper?
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Quote: 705713; Rating: 455; [+|-]
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<dorkling> I think after four years I've finally managed to make my schools watch list
<dorkling> during the club fair today I found an empty booth and set up an 'I Hate You Club'
<dorkling> Stole some others clubs sign up sheet that was blank and someone elses diorama board and stuck some stuff about hate being theraputic
<dorkling> I actually had about 9 people signed up when a teacher came over and told me that she needed to confiscate everything I had
<dorkling> then she noticed the notes I was taking for an essay (on abortion)
<dorkling> one of them just happened to be a printed wiki article titled in bold letters 'Back alley abortions'
<dorkling> and she starts to take it from me
<sekoku> dorkling: Did you tell her that abortion was for another teacher?
<dorkling> I did when she started to take it
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Quote: 705784; Rating: 765; [+|-]
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<ZombieKing> best way to get rid of a client with dial-up, told them to install service pack 2 and call back
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Quote: 705948; Rating: -37; [+|-]
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< niblr> the Geneva Convention really should prohibit the forced rewriting of Ruby code into PHP
< niblr> it's an inhumane torture... and I'm being subjected to it, one little piece of code at a time
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Quote: 706089; Rating: 814; [+|-]
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<splosh123> Just a question if anyone knows... How many wind power mill things do you need to power... say... Brisbane
<dazzawul> thousands
<dazzawul> and they will be noisy
<dazzawul> and push australia to the west
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Quote: 706150; Rating: 534; [+|-]
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<Sheepeep> Welcome to our XHTML <bar />! Sorry, we're closed.
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Quote: 706258; Rating: 717; [+|-]
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<Gostie_hungover> the worst thing about having been drunk on irc is that you don't get any blissful ignorance about the things you said the night before
<Gostie_hungover> you just scroll up and there it is
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Quote: 706281; Rating: 2388; [+|-]
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TriPod11: bush ain't THAT bad...he kinda knows what he's doin
idaredbeet08: Please, Monica Lewenski had more President in her than George Bush ever will.
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Quote: 706299; Rating: 2743; [+|-]
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annonymous: there is this post on the IMDB board asking if saw III has any nudity because they want to know if they can take their kids to it
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Quote: 706323; Rating: 1197; [+|-]
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<TMH_> does anyone else find that they are in a fuckton of channels
<TMH_> and they only actually care about two or three
<jmx> define a fuckton?
<Thuryn> ten times a buttload
<LPF> that's a metric fuckton
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