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Quote: 457037; Rating: 6366; [+|-]
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<Goatroper> so i had a checkup at the doctor a couple months ago
<Goatroper> i waited in the goddamn lobby for like 2 hours
<Goatroper> i was just starting to doze off when they called me back into one of the exam rooms
<Goatroper> so i sit on this chair for like 30 more mins, and then fall asleep
<Goatroper> i wake up and have no idea what time it is or how long i've been waiting
<Goatroper> so 20 minutes later after I finished reading the Hispanic Business Weekly
<Goatroper> I start diggin through the drawers in the exam table and his desk drawer
<Goatroper> i find some hypos and don't touch them, some dressing gowns, and then i get to the drawer marked "OB/GYN"
<Goatroper> i open it up, take a peeky-peek inside, and what do I see? Speculums and rectal dilators.
<Goatroper> At this point I'm in his desk rolly-chair
<Goatroper> with about 40 rubber gloves in my pockets for later use
<Goatroper> so I grab a speculum in each hand
<Goatroper> and start making them sing and talk like little ducks
<Goatroper> i was rooting around for a sharpie and couldn't find one
<Goatroper> so i put them down and did my glove-trick
<Goatroper> i stretched a rubber glove over my head and blew it up
<Goatroper> then i grabbbed the speculums and started spinning around in his chair
<Goatroper> glove inflated on my head the size of two basketballs
<Goatroper> speculum in each hand
<Goatroper> spinning in his office chair
<Goatroper> i hear footsteps and as i'm extending my legs to slow down, the door opens
<Goatroper> the doctor is standing there with my chart in his hand
<kr0nus> omg
<Goatroper> i stopped spinning and just sat there, looking at him through the thin film of the glove
<Goatroper> he was like "Corey.....?"
<Goatroper> I said "Yep."
<Goatroper> held up the speculums.
<Goatroper> said, "I got bored."
<Goatroper> and he was like "That's quite a trick with those gloves. Where did you learn that?"
<Goatroper> I said "Many doctor's offices in many states."
<Goatroper> He was like "You want to take some with you?" as I got up
<Goatroper> I pulled the wad out of my pocket and said "Already did."
<Goatroper> then I walked out and i heard him laughing like a goddamn maniac as soon as the door was closed
<Goatroper> then the other day i go in again rofl and he just hands me a brand new unopened box of 100 gloves
<Goatroper> i was gonna ask for some speculums just to fuck with him but I was afraid he'd give me some
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Quote: 457224; Rating: 648; [+|-]
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<genome> osir, would you mind doing /os umode genome +SqoaAN
<~Osiris> -OperServ- Access Denied - Your NetAdmin is not a dumbfuck
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Quote: 457504; Rating: 484; [+|-]
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[+Bobthefish] when your desperate for sex you shouldn't pass up a threesome
[+Bobthefish] just close your eyes
[+Bobthefish] actually don't, you might grab something you don't want to
[@SnowPhaal] I couldn't cross swords with another man, not even by accident.
[@SnowPhaal] It'd be like Ghostbusters..."Don't Cross The Streams!"
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Quote: 457531; Rating: 566; [+|-]
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<sh> I wonder if odor eaters compete for odors, since presumably they need them to survive
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Quote: 457853; Rating: 521; [+|-]
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* Nico ([email protected]) has joined #megatokyo
<Nico> You know those oh so hilarious Bash quotes where someone's something is on fire, and they run on to IRC to tell everyone. I just decided to put the fire out before coming on to tell my friends. Let this be a lesson to those whose homes burnt down in the space of an irc convo.
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Quote: 457936; Rating: 407; [+|-]
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<@mitchn> we should patent "3 hour abs"
<@mitchn> It comes with a toilet and a fifth of tequila
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Quote: 457985; Rating: 521; [+|-]
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* Mordeth plans a back packing holiday to bulgaria
<Mordeth> is cannabis legal in your country?
<Hunchback> nope
<Mordeth> balls!
<Mordeth> is it widely available?
<Hunchback> yes
<Mordeth> great
<Mordeth> see you next thursday
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Quote: 458368; Rating: 1508; [+|-]
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* Now talking in #christiandebate
<Pramma> hey you guys, do you think jesus would use bittorrent or ed2k?
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Quote: 458436; Rating: 809; [+|-]
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SherbyCool: not tuesday
exeblah: ok
exeblah: um
SherbyCool: tuesday the world ends
exeblah: wednesday?
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Quote: 458504; Rating: 230; [+|-]
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<pantherqs> yeah
<pantherqs> so
<pantherqs> i got raided
<pantherqs> mad leet.
<Thazul> as in raid0, or as in swat?
<pantherqs> as in
<pantherqs> my shop got raided. geek.
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Quote: 458579; Rating: 1534; [+|-]
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comf0rtabiynumb: The scare tactics line is awesome
comf0rtabiynumb: I'd jump someone in an alley.
comf0rtabiynumb: Get ready to beat them with a bat, and then say, "Are you scared? You shouldnt be! Youre on scare tactics! Haha! your friend set you up!"
comf0rtabiynumb: And then, when they start laughing and their guard is down BAAM! Beat the fuck out of them and take their wallet
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Quote: 458650; Rating: 1228; [+|-]
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<@drwiii> so ecbc and I go to gamestop to get Mario 64 DS.
<@drwiii> and i bring my DS along.
<@drwiii> then we go to this chinese restaurant.
<@drwiii> and as ecbc's coming back from the restroom, he's like "dude did that
kid steal your gameboy?"
<@drwiii> there was some kid at another table fucking around with PictoChat on
his own DS
<@drwiii> so i changed the nickname on mine, found the room he was in, and
scribbled "What you just ate wasn't chicken." and sent it
<@drwiii> and like 10 seconds later i hear over my shoulder "EWWWW!"
<@drwiii> apparently he showed it to his mom
<@drwiii> i powered mine down and kept on eating.
<@drwiii> that was the best thing EVER.
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Quote: 458891; Rating: 1469; [+|-]
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<playamj> I need some creative ways of asking this girl I like to the prom...please post some ideas thanks!
<secks> You can try walking up to her and pushing the use key
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Quote: 459063; Rating: 701; [+|-]
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<taap> there is no such thing as .ng domain
<`naut> What's Nigeria?
<AcidX> .poor
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Quote: 459188; Rating: 1122; [+|-]
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<Ch0|sen> fuck I made a fake Myspace account posing as a bi blonde to get horny desperate internet guys to get me a free ipod and now all these hot lesbians are messaging me with "we should fuck"
<Ch0|sen> WHY CAN'T THESE BUXOM BI CHICKS LOVE ME AS I AM INSTEAD OF THE 20 YEAR OLD BLONDE COLLEGE STUDENT I PORTRAY ON THE INTERNET
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Quote: 459217; Rating: 3217; [+|-]
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<hoLy> Ouch
<hoLy> my friend is giving me a tattoo with a bic pen and a knife right now
<hoLy> hurts so much but he almost finished
<hoLy> Hes finishing up the I in SATIN
<Ruff> ...
<hoLy> Yeah, so it'll say HAIL SATIN
<hoLy> This is gonnna be awesome
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Quote: 459235; Rating: 1279; [+|-]
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<swampi^^> I just downloaded this pic
<swampi^^> The title was bukkake ass pussy young lolita swallow cum eat meat shit piss drink old babe anal double veginal fuck tits breasts dick monster cock grannie german britney spears.jpg
<el-el_cul_jay> ...
<swampi^^> turned out to be a smiley face
<el-el_cul_jay> rofl
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Quote: 459276; Rating: 1110; [+|-]
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<LadyAerowen> I'm allowed to have my own opinion, burra :P
<burrahobbit> i dont know where you got that idea from but it is wrong
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Quote: 459278; Rating: 282; [+|-]
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<Jered> you should have to stand on a scale to get fries
<Jered> "must be at least this thin to eat"
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Quote: 459877; Rating: 1344; [+|-]
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Euriusx_xNocturnus: Think of someone of "average" intelligence. Then think half the world is dumber than that.
Veronica5050: ow
Veronica5050: just ow
Veronica5050: owowowowowowowowow
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Quote: 460330; Rating: 359; [+|-]
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<Blackwolf> i'm visiting my gf in the hospital tomorroy...yay
<ereque> whats up with her?
<altemark> ereque: she managed to dig herself up
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Quote: 460408; Rating: 1703; [+|-]
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(Deranged): I like my women like I like my coffee.
(Jet): Black?
(SteveTheImpermeableHamster): full of your cream?
(mistik): hawt?
(Jet): Columbian?
(Aimee): hot?
(Jet): From McDonalds?
(SteveTheImpermeableHamster): in a cup?
(Jet): Spilt all over your lap?
(mistik): cheap?
(Deranged): No..
(Deranged): Ground up, and in the freezer.
(mistik): oh
(mistik): lmao
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Quote: 460449; Rating: 752; [+|-]
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<chiks> is aluminum better than steel in most cases?
<SJr|Tecra> No what would you be more scared of
<SJr|Tecra> the man of steel or the man of aluminium
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Quote: 461213; Rating: 1211; [+|-]
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<Langly1> ive got a dual socket A system running cheap chips, i use it mainly to encode 80's mp3's i call it Duron Duron
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Quote: 461532; Rating: 936; [+|-]
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NaTTiE 623: just a sample of how crazy ms. bauer is......today in health were were taking a test and the question was : WHICH ONE OF THESE IS NOT A FACTOR OF PREGNANCY? and one of the multiple choice questions was : pregnancy makes a woman unexplicably want to chase after and poison squirrels
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Quote: 461874; Rating: 388; [+|-]
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<Brock> Work work work!
<Brock> That's all I do for me
<Brock> You'd think I'd pay me in something other than handjobs.
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Quote: 461919; Rating: 467; [+|-]
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<Barb> I just looked over at a cup on my desk and thought "Ew, that milk must be really old. Its like, orangey. Strange that it doesn't smell." And I realized it was orange juice and not milk.
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Quote: 462307; Rating: 2226; [+|-]
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SouLTaKeR2023: I was on the phone with a friend
SouLTaKeR2023: and we happen to talk about foreskin
ARazorbladeGrin: amazing
SouLTaKeR2023: and my lil bro walks in
SouLTaKeR2023: and hes like
SouLTaKeR2023: "whats foreskin"?
SouLTaKeR2023: Im like
SouLTaKeR2023: "Its the skin on the forehead"
SouLTaKeR2023: I flicked him on the forehead so he would leave
SouLTaKeR2023: and now hes running around the house yelling
SouLTaKeR2023: "MAMA ALEX FLICKED MY FORESKIN"
ARazorbladeGrin: ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL
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Quote: 462310; Rating: 9260; [+|-]
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< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant
< bawss> Right click.
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Quote: 462397; Rating: 2712; [+|-]
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<Gregoray> Most embarassing moment would be when I finished wanking, and stoop up to do up my pants, when i noticed a red dot on my nuts. When i looked up, I realized my 13 year old niegbor and her 2 friends where watching me through my window and had a lazer pointer aimed at me.
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Quote: 462443; Rating: 2816; [+|-]
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TANK Ex Mortis: I HATE WINDOWS!!!11one
AkiraBlast45387: ha
AkiraBlast45387: y?
TANK Ex Mortis: "Cannot delete file: It is being used by another person or program. Close any programs that might be using the file and try again."
TANK Ex Mortis: WHAT FILE, YOU SHITHOLE OPERATING SYSTEM!?
TANK Ex Mortis: If I was on Linux, it'd be like "There was an error, program X doesn't want you to delete that file. Here's a helpful link to teach you how to get around that. Would you like some tea?"
TANK Ex Mortis: Of course, when I want to install something on Linux, it says "You can't install that until you install these 50 libraries, update these 3 drives, downgrade this 1 driver, and pick my mom up from the airport."
TANK Ex Mortis: Whereas with Windows, it says "Click the next button over and over again until the program is installed. It will then work perfectly unless it doesn't."
TANK Ex Mortis: Unless it's made by Valve, in which case it says "DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE" and blows up your computer. ;_;
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Quote: 462621; Rating: 1050; [+|-]
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Wardave: My girlfriend tells me I'm lazy and have no ambition.
CancersDan: Dump her ass
Wardave: I should but that's just way too much work
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Quote: 462862; Rating: 1689; [+|-]
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Alittleredhead16: why'd you get off yahoo
LamontOfnazareth: Because I got bored.
Alittleredhead16: ooohhhhhhhhhh
Alittleredhead16: yea sure
Alittleredhead16: dont lie, its becuz you think i'm ugly
LamontOfNazareth: No. I closed your webcam because I think you're ugly.
LamontOfNazareth: I got off because I got bored.
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Quote: 463015; Rating: 835; [+|-]
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<Gorgoroth> can u read dutch?
<PimPFISH> only if its in english.
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Quote: 463304; Rating: 981; [+|-]
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<evilada> is it right to cheat on a paper for ethics class?
<evilada> i mean im just saying
<evilada> things would get done a whole lot quicker
<evilada> and it would be a wonderful practice in irony
<mike310> what if you get caught?
<evilada> just say it was some ass backwards experiment about ethics and shit. You'll probably get an A.
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Quote: 463561; Rating: 2687; [+|-]
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<crax> my son get an ibook from school. 5th grade.
<Pothead> he doesn't deserve an ibook
<Pothead> give him an iBinder like we used to have
<Pothead> and an iPencil
<Pothead> and an iLunchpail with Spiderman on it like I used to have
<z1g-work> did you play with your iFriends
<Pothead> iDidn't have any
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Quote: 463734; Rating: 1856; [+|-]
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(@Blaxthos) CANTON, Georgia (AP) -- Christmas is still going strong for 14-year-old Nick Waters.
(@Blaxthos) When the boy's church asked what he wanted for Christmas, Nick, who cannot talk and was born with no arms, slowly typed his reply with his feet: Lots of Christmas cards. Ten thousand of them.
(@Blaxthos) jesus christ
(@Blaxthos) ASK FOR ARMS DUMBASS
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Quote: 463776; Rating: 609; [+|-]
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<Turglith> as a DM you have UBER CONTROL!
<Uenohai> Yeh my friends and I were watching some Jesus Freak documentary
<Uenohai> Said gamers and Yu-Gi-Oh was satan
<Uenohai> So my friends and I made a pact
<Uenohai> First one to hell is Dungeon Master
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Quote: 464125; Rating: 2221; [+|-]
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<cancerpass> ever watched the monty python show/movies?
<over-thurr> yeah he's a very funny guy!
<cancerpass> i'll take that as a no
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Quote: 464258; Rating: 1273; [+|-]
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<vapoR> lately my mother has been complaining about how much time the dad has been spending in the computer room..
<vapoR> she comes up to me and goes "For christmas, I want you to get your father a gift that will get him out of that stupid computer room!"
<vapoR> so i went out and purchased him a wireless router :p
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Quote: 464385; Rating: 4027; [+|-]
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<@insomnia> it only takes three commands to install Gentoo
<@insomnia> cfdisk /dev/hda && mkfs.xfs /dev/hda1 && mount /dev/hda1 /mnt/gentoo/ && chroot /mnt/gentoo/ && env-update && . /etc/profile && emerge sync && cd /usr/portage && scripts/bootsrap.sh && emerge system && emerge vim && vi /etc/fstab && emerge gentoo-dev-sources && cd /usr/src/linux && make menuconfig && make
install modules_install && emerge gnome mozilla-firefox openoffice && emerge grub && cp /boot/grub/grub.conf.sample /boot/grub/grub.conf && vi /boot/grub/grub.conf && grub && init 6
<@insomnia> that's the first one
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Quote: 464444; Rating: 1093; [+|-]
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<Phryss> Sometimes, I sit back and think about what my father used to tell me about the birds and the bees: "Stop fucking the dog. The neighbors are watching, and it's their dog."
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|
Quote: 464561; Rating: 2123; [+|-]
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<xp99> We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
<xp99> So next Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
<xp99> Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American
women.
<xp99> And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your antiterrorist sentiment.
<xp99> The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.
<xp99> God bless America and GOD BLESS AMERICAN WOMEN! IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON
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Quote: 465551; Rating: 1125; [+|-]
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<LazyWulfran> i've watched enough asian porn to discern that when 2 asian people have sex, semen goes everywhere except where it needs to go for conception. therefore, they must have an alternate method of reproduction
|
|
Quote: 465591; Rating: 1855; [+|-]
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<Robyn> then we realised that james had fucked with the bunsen burner
<Robyn> and set the lab on fire
<Robyn> penis ensued
<tempura> ...penis?
<Robyn> panic
<Robyn> PANIC
<Robyn> shit
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Quote: 465691; Rating: 743; [+|-]
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Jeff: I got a hug from a girl at work today.
Vann: cool
Jeff: No, not really...
Jeff: She was wearing a shirt that my ex has...the exact one
Jeff: As well at the matching shoes my ex has...the exact ones
Jeff: As well as the exact perfume my ex wears.
Jeff: ....
Jeff: She must be killed.
Jeff: I'm not falling for that one twice.
Vann: lol
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|
Quote: 465695; Rating: 2345; [+|-]
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DominationForce: omfg
DominationForce: I'm sitting on a greyhound bus today on my way back to college
DominationForce: and this girl spends 2 fucking hours on her cellphone whining to her boyfriend that her cellphone bill is huge
DominationForce: and then she calls her mom and whines some more
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|
Quote: 466023; Rating: 2812; [+|-]
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<nick> FUCKING HELL!!!!
<nick> I swear one day I'm just gonna go and hunt down every stupid bitch on earth and put them out of their misery...
<R4an0m> ?
<nick> Ok, theres this resteraunt just down the road from me where I eat every now and then.. other night I go in for dinner with my girlfriend. After drinking half a bottle of wine, my bowls begin to complain, so I head to the bathroom
<nick> I use the urinal and turn towards the sink and start to zip up at the same time when in walks this young girl of about 18, quite nice looking, and there I am with my dick still halfway out of my pants...
<nick> so I turn pretty damn fast in the other direction and zip up, then turn back expecting to find she'd dissapeared, only to discover that not only hadn't she left, she'd let the door shut and walked in a couple of steps towards me. Now I'm pretty embarrassed and point out to her that she had gone through the
wrong door.
<nick> She tells me that no she didn't and then she fucking reaches down and grabs my dick through my pants! I take a quick step backwards and ask her what the hell does she think she's doing (I mean shit what would happen if I wandered into the ladies and started feeling people up??).. she gets this disgusted look on
her face and turns round, storms out the bathroom
<nick> Now I'm left standing there going "what the fuck just happened??" for about a minute, then wash my hands and head back to the resteranut... only to be greeted by the young lady, the resteraunt manager and some 7 foot tall, 4 foot wide dude with "Security" written on his shirt. Alarm bells proceed to go off in
my head, but I stay calm and ask what the problem is
<nick> the manager tells me the young lady (known from here on in as the bitch) has complained about me sexually harassing her when she accidently walked into the wrong bathroom!
<nick> I resist the urge to walk over and punch her, and try to explain my version of what happened. At this point the bitch pipes up and calls me a "lying son of a bitch" that was a "menace to society"
<nick> so I think "right I'll fix you" and turn to her and say "look you stupid bitch, you came onto me, I turned you down, what kind of sad pathetic loser are you, that you have to hit on random guys in a bathroom anyway? Get over it, you lost, no need to get all bitchy over it."
<nick> I figure now she'll either shut up or totally lose it and start screaming at me, but alas, I was mistaken about how fucked I truely was. Instead of shutting up, she looked at me for a second then burst into tears, before turning to the manager and saying inbetween sobs....
<nick> ".....you're not going let him say that to me, are you daddy?"
<R4an0m> aahahahahahaa!!
<nick> so now Im sore from being thrown out the door by that bouncer, and I got a vist from the police this morning telling me I was being charged with sexual assault.. :(.
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Quote: 466097; Rating: 742; [+|-]
|
(@Cradly): wouldnt you want to know if your box can be easily rooted?
(@Slyder) Its not entirely my box ;)
(@def): would you like it to be?
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|
Quote: 466105; Rating: 921; [+|-]
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Spanky: dude...there's a guy with the aim SN "themormonjihad"
TyFlame: rofl
Spanky: what the FUCK
TyFlame: conquering the world, one wife at a time
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