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Quote: 430828; Rating: 436; [+|-]
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<NobleArc> There's always google, WhiteBicycle.
<NobleArc> Google is like.. The Oracle from The Matrix. O_o
<NobleArc> it knows EVERYTHING.
<WhiteBicycle> good call noble
<NobleArc> Yet at times can be unimaginably useless.
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Quote: 430856; Rating: 81; [+|-]
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<+Disasterologist> wtf why does nobody ever convert to judaism on their death beds?
<@Locke> they cant make money as they're dying
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Quote: 430941; Rating: 846; [+|-]
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<Zee-sleep> i got full marks for answering "what would encryption be used for?" with "KFC's 11 secret herbs and spices"
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Quote: 430949; Rating: 770; [+|-]
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<princessangelic> how do you turn on a guy?
<+monty> dicksuck
<princessangelic> um before that
<+monty> get naked
<princessangelic> then?
<+monty> dicksuck
<princessangelic> hmmm I must have missed a memo somewhere
<jomomma> hahahahaha
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Quote: 430975; Rating: 613; [+|-]
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<@shiwan> Hmm. I need to find a "Windows NT Server 4.0 System Administrator" t-shirt to wear around to BDSM clubs.
<@shiwan> "So, what are you into?" "I admin a 3-tiered, 12-node NT4 cluster."
< XyZzY> shiwan: "oh youre in the 'sick fuck' territory"
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Quote: 431011; Rating: 891; [+|-]
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(Angelus): If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
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Quote: 431118; Rating: 732; [+|-]
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<Matilde> Hiroshima '45, Nagasaki '45, Chernobil '86, Windows '95
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Quote: 431276; Rating: 945; [+|-]
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<simon-say> asking for relationship advice on irc is like asking for computer help at mcdonalds
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Quote: 431688; Rating: 2282; [+|-]
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<zamros> haha yeah being a plumber would be fucking awesome actually
<zamros> like if i had my own fuckin' company
<zamros> with a van and shit
<zamros> like i'd go in to a plumbing business with a friend
<zamros> cuz like when you got two motherfuckers putting the time and money in
<zamros> you can buy a van
<zamros> you can buy fuckin tools
<zamros> you can buy advertising and shit
<zamros> haha i'd have the funniest fucking public access commercials for my plumbing business
<zamros> like some dude would be taking a shit
<zamros> and he'd jiggle the handle
<zamros> and he'd be like ".....FUCK!"
<zamros> then he falls over on the toilet and grabs the phone
<zamros> and calls me
<zamros> and he's like "HELLPP!!!"
<zamros> then i bust through the fucking wall
<zamros> and fucking beat the shit out of a big monster in the toilet1
<zamros> with a plunger
<zamros> and the dude is laying in his own shit on the floor
<zamros> with the phone in his hand
<zamros> and after i won the fight he'd be like "THANK YOU ZAMROS INC"
<zamros> and he'd hug me and i'd get shit all over me
<zamros> and i'd be like "ALL IN A DAY'S WORK"
<zamros> and then bust through the other wall
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Quote: 431786; Rating: 2421; [+|-]
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<Lunchbox> The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
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Quote: 431907; Rating: 883; [+|-]
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<h0ward> it began with the forging of the great servers
<h0ward> three were given to the geeks, immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings
<h0ward> seven to teh jock-lords, great football players and craftsmen of the locker halls
<h0ward> and nine, nine servers were given to the race of men whom above all else desired PRON
<h0ward> within the servers was a power that could govern each class
<h0ward> but they were all of them deceived
<h0ward> for another server was made
<h0ward> stile, the deceiver, forged in secret a master server to control all others
<h0ward> one server to rule them all
<h0ward> one by one the people of the servers fell to the great power of the master server
<h0ward> but there were some
<h0ward> who resisted
<h0ward> a great alliance of geeks and jocks marched against the fanboys of stile
<h0ward> and on the slopes of blogwars
<h0ward> they fought for the freedom of good, and only good pron
<h0ward> AAAHHH
<h0ward> FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP
<h0ward> victory was near
<h0ward> but the master server could not be stopped
<h0ward> the dark lord stile killed brunot son of brunob
<h0ward> and as luck should so have it
<h0ward> brunob cut the wiring of the master server
<h0ward> stile the enemy of good, decent pron of the earth
<h0ward> was wanked out of existence
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Quote: 431987; Rating: 7107; [+|-]
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Gear Grinder X: once, we had these total freak seventh day advenist (or whatever) freak ass neighbors
Gear Grinder X: and this girl Lanna was a little younger than me
Gear Grinder X: she was a bitch, and they were all totally religious
Gear Grinder X: she threw rocks at me once on my bike, and so I turned around, and went to run over here
Gear Grinder X: I was hauling ASS, and you know what she did?
Gear Grinder X: put her hands on her hips, and stood there and said "The lord will protect me"
Gear Grinder X: well.... he didn't
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Quote: 432386; Rating: 3351; [+|-]
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<Zoli> I wrote some norse death metal rap earlier today
<Zoli> of course I'd recite it for you!
<Zoli> YO I'M A BLONDE MOTHERFUCKER AND I WORSHIP THOR
<Zoli> I'M GUNNA USE MY AXE BUST DOWN YOUR DOOR
<Zoli> SCREAMING VALHALLA AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS
<Zoli> I GOT PHAT RHYMES AND I SPEAK IN TONGUES
<Zoli> RAGNAROK THE PARTY LIKE A VALHALLA PARTY
<Zoli> RAGNAROK THE PARTY LIKE A VALHALLA PARTY
<Zoli> NORSE. (crazy motherfucker with a longship baby)
<Zoli> NORSE (gunna kick your ass and I don't mean maybe)
<Zoli> NORSE. (crazy motherfucker with a longship baby)
<Zoli> NORSE (LONG BLONDE HAIR THAT IS SOFT AND WAVY)
<Zoli> fin.
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Quote: 432397; Rating: 1953; [+|-]
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<AVX885> i'm going to break up with my girlfriend, she is cheating on me
<sprtzntm77> dude, this is perfect... ok heres what you do
<sprtzntm77> dont mention this to her, and get in her pants one last time, make it really rough.
<AVX 885> i like where this is going..
<sprtzntm77> right, so.. fuck her nice and rough-like and just before she is about to cum, pull out.
<AVX 885> haha, go on
<sprtzntm77> pull out and dont say a word. Go get your pants and put em back on, and say somthing along the lines of "i dont think our relationship is gonna work out, im breaking up with you. goodbye"
<AVX 885> HAHA, nice!
<sprtzntm77> so keep an emotionless face and dont respond to anything she says. While your putting on your socks, mutter somthing about forgetting to pick up your syphilis antibiotics. That'll really get her freaked out.
<AVX 885> LMAO! This is golden, i have to pull this off..
<sprtzntm77> dude.. before this all goes down.. i'll hide either under the bed or in the closet. While your on your way to the door, turn around and say, "hey mark, shes not gonna go for the DP, were leaving.. lets go." I'll get out from under the bed, look pissed off and follow you out the door.
<AVX 885> this is golden.. haha and I could just imagine her sitting there spread eagle on the bed with the most awesome expression of shock and awe on her face. I should take a picture as im walking out the door and mail it to her parents.
<sprtzntm77> Fuck, if we pull this off, it will be the best breakup scenario ever. She deserves it too.
<AVX 885> Yes, this is a warning women everywhere.. dont cheat on me, for I will seek my sweet revenge.
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Quote: 432550; Rating: 1138; [+|-]
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Rabidplaybunny87: A Touching Story of Love and Marriage
Rabidplaybunny87: An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up
the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort inched himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands.
Rabidplaybunny87: With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into
the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on
the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies.
Rabidplaybunny87: Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one
great final effort, he moved himself toward the table. His parched lips
parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost already in his mouth;
seemingly bringing him back to life.
Rabidplaybunny87: The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at
the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula
by his wife.
Rabidplaybunny87: "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
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Quote: 432558; Rating: 860; [+|-]
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<@HEMI> I'm tempted to start going to work in ripped jeans/shirts and tell them that's all I can afford on what they're paying me.
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Quote: 432979; Rating: 735; [+|-]
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DDay22Alpha1243: You voted
Komataguri: I was standing in line for over an hour.
DDay22Alpha1243: oh
Komataguri: and this bitch was behind me.
Komataguri: Ugly bitch, kept bumping into me purposefully every time the line moved and I didn't step forward fast enough.
Komataguri: So I ripped one on her.
Komataguri: a silent one so no one knew where it came from.
Komataguri: After a few seconds, teh whole library smelled like someone dumped raw sewage and 40tons of roadkill in the place
DDay22Alpha1243: lol
Komataguri: I never felt so proud
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Quote: 432991; Rating: 1891; [+|-]
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McViC0 0 97: is your mom there?
DarkEternal37: hey hey
DarkEternal37: lets try to have ONE conversation without a your mom joke
DarkEternal37: k?
McViC0 0 97: i'll try
DarkEternal37: me too
McViC0 0 97: but i promise ntohing
DarkEternal37: im listening to adam's song
McViC0 0 97: im listenign to the sound of your mom moaning
McViC0 0 97: oh fuck
DarkEternal37: havent heard it in so long
McViC0 0 97: i messed up
DarkEternal37: I FUCKING HATE YOU
McViC0 0 97: lol
McViC0 0 97: it slipped i swear
DarkEternal37: you lasted fucking 23 SECONDS
DarkEternal37: i hope you last longer in bed
DarkEternal37: for my moms sake
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Quote: 433012; Rating: 607; [+|-]
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Myung LeshBurton: in drivers ed yesterday, the teacher said something about how he used to always look up to superman
Myung LeshBurton: and how he wished everybody was indestructable like he was
Myung LeshBurton: so i just had to yell out "But it didnt take kryptonite to kill Superman, just a horse!"
Myung LeshBurton: the entire class fell silent, 3 people holding back laughter and everybody else horrified at what i said
RACaira326: hahahahahahahahahaha
RACaira326: you are a TERRIBLE person
RACaira326: you should be proud
Myung LeshBurton: wait, i made it worse
RACaira326: I cant believe you can make that worse
Myung LeshBurton: i said "Unless somebody hid kryptonite in the horses ass"
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Quote: 433014; Rating: 1239; [+|-]
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<HouseCookie> What the hell is kwanzaa?
<Tyler> File-sharing for African-Americans.
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Quote: 433016; Rating: 1424; [+|-]
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<ptgenera> do you agree that "baby" is an awesome unit of volume?
<ptgenera> for instance: "That microwave is easily a six-baby unit."
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Quote: 433064; Rating: 1890; [+|-]
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* ion has joined #sp
<ion> today's my birthday
<deMoN> yo happy bday man ;)
<ion> thanks, my dad brought me a new case home from his work today
<ion> ok, it's not a new case, it's my old one...i didnt like the gray metal frame so i wanted to change the color
<plague> What color?
<ion> gold. i was going to spray paint it, but it would have ended up melting. so my dad said he'd take it to work
<ion> he works at this metal coating place
<ion> just brought it home today. looks awesome
<plague> So you have a gold plated tower?
<ion> no it's not gold...something else...let me go ask
<ion> copper. it's copper
<plague> Copper plated?? Is it running right now?
<ion> no dude...on my other pc..i just finished hooking up the mobo and stuff, i'm about to start it
<ion> stand back
<plague> Before you turn it on...I think you should know something...
* ion has quit IRC (No Route to Host)
<plague> Copper is a conductor of electricity.
<deMoN> think we should have told him?
<zeff> nah, it's funnier this way.
<plague> of course...<>
Note: the fuse box in his house was fried. knocked the power out.
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Quote: 433209; Rating: 945; [+|-]
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<PsYko> u know whats better than 1 sub? 2 subs
<PsYko> :D
<Sig|lap> and do you know whats better than that?
<Sig|lap> 2 subs with cookies
<Rizel> what about 3 subs a cookie and a cold beer
<zappp> i'll see your 3 cookies and raise you 1 coke
<Virar> i fold
<PsYko> hit me
* wot punches PsYko
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Quote: 433425; Rating: -965; [+|-]
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[30/10/04 00:32:41] Tinkerbell :
last funny for the day
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are
there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea.
"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister
in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have
a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in
the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have
a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
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Quote: 433666; Rating: 1268; [+|-]
|
<Dr.Jew> So im training to become technician/consumer sales representative and the instructor tells us we get to listen to a few of the most outrageous calls theyve recorded. He plays the first one and, I couldnt make this up, a guy calls in and is telling the rep that his mouse is all the way on the left edge of the
mousepad but he needs the pointer to go to the left some more. After about 15 minutes of nerdy laughter, he asks this kid what he would say in a situation like that and the kid says "Sir, based on my interpretation of the information you gave me, I suggest purchasing one of our larger mousepads.".
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Quote: 433684; Rating: 610; [+|-]
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<iggz[leafs]> GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL
<Skand|Hockey_Ninja|> CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
<enisoc> it's easy to tell what side everyone's on
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Quote: 433743; Rating: -99; [+|-]
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<Aluvium> Hey nick dcc me tha "100%legalyperchased.mp3" i like so much
* Alluvium watches as Nicks broadband cable modem, rams a file down his 56k modem's throat harder than something out a german porno vid
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Quote: 434080; Rating: 1508; [+|-]
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<Rambo> Have you guys heard about the latest pirate film?
<Rambo> It's rated Arrrr
<Nurple> Rambo, please die
|
|
Quote: 434554; Rating: 668; [+|-]
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<[Cable]Tech> has anyone managed to join Harry.Potter.And.The.Prisoner.Of.Azkaban.2004.TC.XviD.AC3 cd1 and cd2 together , if so using what avi joiner?
<Marsupial> I joined Spiderman cd1 and Friends episode 32 together.
<Marsupial> using Microsoft Outlook Express.
<Marsupial> Chandler got bit by a radioactive spider and shot a web at Phoebe, and then it emailed me.
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Quote: 434593; Rating: 12217; [+|-]
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*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'
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Quote: 435313; Rating: 914; [+|-]
|
<TheMaxx> interesting cash making tactic i've discovered in Rome: Total War
<TheMaxx> once a city starts getting really, really... big.. the citizens start getting a little uppity, especially if your city lacks certain amenities befitting a city of its size
<TheMaxx> so fine
<TheMaxx> remove the garrison, crank up the taxes and let them revolt
<TheMaxx> army moves back in with little opposition (peasants vs. legions, pshaw).. then execute 70% of the population and take their gold
<TheMaxx> before you know it they'll start clamouring for democracy
<Deltan> If there were a dictator of the year award, you'd be a shoe in.
<Deltan> That Saddam fellow has nothing on you.
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Quote: 435776; Rating: -82; [+|-]
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<JohnnyBlazE> i went to google
<JohnnyBlazE> to look for something
<JohnnyBlazE> and i forgot what
<JohnnyBlazE> so i asked google what it was
<JohnnyBlazE> the bastard doesnt know :(
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Quote: 436985; Rating: 2158; [+|-]
|
<Chewbacca> Raarraraaraarrrraarargh.
<Jordanis_Jackal> What's that Chewie? Han fell into the well?
|
|
Quote: 437543; Rating: 944; [+|-]
|
<Raiden> I've been seeing a lot more quotes on bash that are ones that have been up on the site for a long time. It's like the mods don't even bother and just click random quotes to add. HEAR THAT MODS, RANDOMLY CLICK ON THE BIG HUGE TEXT YOU SEE HERE
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Quote: 437551; Rating: 352; [+|-]
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<Suiko> Cats have 9 lives, which makes them ideal for experimentation!
|
|
Quote: 438881; Rating: 2055; [+|-]
|
<PeppyTheHamster> me and my friends went to a local gas station on lunch at school to buy some snacks and shit.
<PeppyTheHamster> we got inside, and the guy behind the counter was like
<PeppyTheHamster> "Why arent you in school?"
<PeppyTheHamster> We told him we were on lunch and he was like "Good. stay in school, its good for you."
<PeppyTheHamster> I turned to him and said "Yeah! So we can work in a gas station!"
<PeppyTheHamster> He looked at me like I was the anti-christ. As we were leaving he went on the intercom and spoke into his microphone "Please ignore the homosexuals leaving the store."
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Quote: 438948; Rating: 1431; [+|-]
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<Hibashira> Tommah
<FraudulentTommah> what
<Hibashira> let's make a baby
<FraudulentTommah> out of what
|
|
Quote: 439422; Rating: 290; [+|-]
|
<oldskools> U.S. Attorney General Ashcroft, U.S. Commerce Secretary Evans resign
<eco|wk> Knowing the country's luck, we'll get someone worse than Ashcroft.
<dataw0lf> I would say that's impossible, but I don't want to jinx the country.
<oldskools> BREAKING NEWS-President Bush appoints Hitler's ghost as the new U.S. Attorney General.
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|
Quote: 439475; Rating: 46; [+|-]
|
<Kristof> What's black and has 27 tits??
<Kristof> The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.
<Kristof> Tragic
<seymansey> oh god
<seymansey> thats bad
|
|
Quote: 439598; Rating: 554; [+|-]
|
<Puffx0r> how cheap is my family?
<Puffx0r> we're about to go test-drive a car so we can get a free shrek 2 dvd.
|
|
Quote: 439636; Rating: 570; [+|-]
|
<+Silver> first thing im going to do when i become president
<+Silver> is shoot down all the aliens
<MephistoSan> mexicans don't fly
|
|
Quote: 439907; Rating: 781; [+|-]
|
Kalaevandros X: Hahah. I have to write a play based on the afterlife.
Kalaevandros X: Drama class. It's so frustrating.
Direbaen: That's frustrating?
Direbaen: WAIT 'TIL YOU HAVE BILLS AND DEPENDANTS YOU ASSHOLE
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|
Quote: 439931; Rating: 504; [+|-]
|
Silent Scream098: its cold in my house
Silent Scream098: burrrr
Silent Scream098: maybe i shoud close the window and turn the ac off
Silent Scream098: and not walk around naked while holding ice cubes between my buttcheeks
|
|
Quote: 439938; Rating: 100; [+|-]
|
<mad_> arafat's wife reminds me of miss piggy
<Cartossn> she's THAT hot?
<mad_> ok, a fat miss piggy
|
|
Quote: 439955; Rating: 415; [+|-]
|
<Zotmaster> i myself would like to meet a woman made out of pie
|
|
Quote: 439958; Rating: 1695; [+|-]
|
<FuzLogic> I never did figure out how to open the damn doors on the landing boats.
<mirth> "how i survived normandy" by FuzLogic
|
|
Quote: 440161; Rating: 413; [+|-]
|
<Lyrael> you wouldn't even miss me
<The_Sorcerer> it just wouldn't be the same without you
<The_Sorcerer> for one, the average user count would drop from 30 to 29
|
|
Quote: 440165; Rating: 245; [+|-]
|
<mandz> i am going out. i'm waiting for the washing machine to stop
<lohnro> usually youre on top of it hoping it doesnt stop
|
|
Quote: 440169; Rating: 579; [+|-]
|
<baloo>lispy: I have this horrible addiction to food. I try to quit, but I just get wracked with pain after a day or two every time and just have to have a cheeseburger.
<baloo>They only told me the positive effects of food. Nobody ever told me food would be hard to quit.
<malfunct`>their highly addictive products which are advertised as safe got me hooked and ruined my teeth and put me at high risk for heart disease and diabetes
<baloo>exactly
<malfunct`>and from what I hear, mcdonalds is ruining my liver
<baloo>Not to mention high cholestorol
<lispy>baloo: i find myself horribly addicted to O_2...i can't go five minutes without it...i get shakey and light headed...i'll fight someone that won't let me get my O_2 fix
<malfunct`>ok bal, I don't buy that pepsi gave me high colesterol
<baloo>lispy: I know what you mean. I get the same way about water after a couple hours on a hot day.
<malfunct`>lispy: yeah, the 02 addiction is nearly as bad as my dihydrogen monoxide addiction
<malfunct`>and you know how many bad things dihydrogen monoxide can do
<baloo>malfunct`: Yeah. I mean, holy hell, you mix dhydrogen monoxide and dioxygen long enough undisturbed on the hood of your car and it'll eat right through it. Might take a few years, but it'll do it.
<malfunct`>baloo: yeah, and how many natural disasters can be traced back to the dihydrogen monoxide as a source
<lispy>baloo: it only takes a couple ounces of that stuff to kill a baby in a matter of minutes if you leave their face in it
<baloo>malfunct`: No kidding. You breathe even a little of that and it'll hurt like hell for days.
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Quote: 440309; Rating: 367; [+|-]
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<Gravit> Poker, beer, and lucky charms. What does that make us? :)
<Roverpup> Irish.
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