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Quote: 352763; Rating: 2645; [+|-]
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<FBD> i had a teacher named Ms. Packman.
<FBD> so im the last day of school, i dressed up as a blue ghost, and charged at her.
<FBD> i got suspended, starting the next year... |
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Quote: 353049; Rating: 628; [+|-]
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<orkin> i hate it when im cold but sweaty
<orkin> like my hands and feet
<orkin> my feet are cold
<orkin> but they are sweating
<orkin> if i put socks on them
<orkin> they will sweat in the socks
<Paradigm> I know the feeling
<Paradigm> it's like dreaming that your peeing and waking up all wet.
<orkin> yeah..
<orkin> kinda
<orkin> wait
<orkin> wtf
<Bejjan> lol
<@Petah> lol
<Paradigm> WHAT ?!
<Bejjan> *falls of his chair* |
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Quote: 353088; Rating: 342; [+|-]
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Vortosis: The best line is something my friend Brandon yelled at a chick across the street while we were skating
Vortosis: "Hey wanna go half and half on a baby!?" |
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Quote: 353105; Rating: 463; [+|-]
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<pothead2234> sometimes i wonder what are all the words other than breasts and food are for
<This_girl> well, words you use in order to reach em |
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Quote: 353125; Rating: 609; [+|-]
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<Prowler> I rekon if i were a super hero i would call myself "Proctastinator" with the power to Leap tall buildings, control time, shoot fireballs out of my ass and other cool super hero stuff
<Prowler> but i'd never get around to doing any of it |
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Quote: 353175; Rating: 841; [+|-]
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<mgr> I was under the impression that the program was fully functional?u00a0 I am not correct?
<kitchen> Depends on what you think 'fully functional' means
<kitchen>The Rebels believed the DeathStar to not be 'fully operational' and look what that got Alderan. |
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Quote: 353546; Rating: 831; [+|-]
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<@koenig> I just had a very fun time with a telemarketer who called my home.
<@koenig> She was telling me that I had "won in a drawing" and that I might have won a Hummer or a trip to Orlando and some other crap.
<@koenig> So I said, "Hey, them Hummers is sure nice."
<@koenig> "Oh yes," she replies.
<@koenig> "I bet they can haul a lot in them Hummers."
<@koenig> "Oh certainly."
<@koenig> "Do you think they could hold something that was like 6' long?"
<@koenig> "Most likely."
<@koenig> "And weighed like 150-200 lbs.?"
<@albus> oh dear.
<@koenig> "Possibly."
<@koenig> "Well, I'll cut right to hte chase.u00a0 Do you think they could carry a dead body?"
<@koenig> "Uhhhh."
* albus hears police sirens.
<@koenig> :)
<@albus> you should use her as a reference when you apply for a security clearance.
<@koenig> Well you realize I didn't actually claim to HAVE a dead body.u00a0u00a0 I was purely curious, in case I get into the funeral service business.
<@koenig> It's my new idea, "Die With Style, Inc." where instead of a hearse you drive out in a Hummer.
<@albus> ... |
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Quote: 354032; Rating: 684; [+|-]
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<rS-D00k> this channel is more inactive than my herpes infection after valtrex
<rS-D00k> although even with valtrex it is possible to spread herpes to others
<rS-D00k> talk to your doctor before taking valtrex if you're on a mao inhibitor |
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Quote: 354226; Rating: 2500; [+|-]
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<Philth> god i'm stupid
<Stinger> yes you are
<Philth> Stinger: Have you heard the jokes they don't tell fags?
<Stinger> yes
<Stinger> dumbass
<Philth> what ones?
<Stinger> i cant tell you
<Stinger> fag
<Philth> DAMN that really backfired.. |
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Quote: 354244; Rating: 784; [+|-]
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[aiken_drum] Holy shit.
[aiken_drum] Have I just come into a random room and people are talking about tentacle sex?
[aiken_drum] I love this program. |
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Quote: 354453; Rating: 1797; [+|-]
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***Welcome to MSN Support***
<MSN Assistant> Hello how can I help?
<Divination> I recently downloaded msn 6.2 and it has been giving me problems
<MSN Assistant> Yes, please continue.
<Divination> I canu0092t stop drinking I think Iu0092ve turned into an alcoholic
*MSN Assistant has left the conversation. |
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Quote: 354456; Rating: 222; [+|-]
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smallchild ([email protected]) has joined. u00ab46 peopleu00bb
* @Liam touches smallchild......
<@Liam> I'm so sorry |
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Quote: 354490; Rating: 566; [+|-]
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<mojo>parents are weird
<mojo>So there I am playing my drums just now
<mojo>first im "skating on thin ice"
<mojo>and I keep going
<mojo>now aparently im "in hot water"
<mojo>go figure |
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Quote: 354508; Rating: 2308; [+|-]
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<Dyl4N>a mosquito landed on my screen and i went to right click on it and close it...
<Dyl4N>then i realized i should get out more
<Jesse>send me a screen shot
<Jesse>wait |
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Quote: 354520; Rating: 2475; [+|-]
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troupe: oh shit, i just heard a car crash outside
cyateon: oh shit
cyateon: go loot the corpses before they respawn |
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Quote: 354939; Rating: 1565; [+|-]
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<Dianuzza> there is a big gay community here in Paris
<usnjay> yeah.
<usnjay> it's called "Paris". |
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Quote: 356147; Rating: 635; [+|-]
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<pbqd> "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." -Warning label on a swedish chain saw |
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Quote: 356150; Rating: 50; [+|-]
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cochese 04: I've been meaning to murder a lot of people
cochese 04: But that Matlock guy is really good at catching murderers
cochese 04: So I dunno
cochese 04: I don't want Andy Griffith coming in my house and proving I did it |
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Quote: 356183; Rating: 830; [+|-]
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<GWH> funny when you and your girlfriend are fighting over aim
<GWH> and then you realize you dont have to sit there till she answers, you can do other shit too |
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Quote: 356275; Rating: 486; [+|-]
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<Maxim> rhetorical jeopardy is a pretty tricky game, you know? :/ |
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Quote: 356674; Rating: 278; [+|-]
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Yami: Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
Yami: The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
Yami: The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
Yami: The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
Yami: The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples." |
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Quote: 356753; Rating: 1325; [+|-]
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<rhyann> hey i got a floppy with a virus and i wana now if its ok to put it next to the other floppys or do i gotta wait for it to get better to put it back in the box |
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Quote: 356805; Rating: 2571; [+|-]
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<v_9> All those who believe in Telekenesis raise my hand. |
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Quote: 357274; Rating: 1002; [+|-]
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<Leto> I had a password I could type entirely with my right hand for a while
<Nugget> why?
<Leto> so I could unlock my screen while drinking coffee |
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Quote: 357526; Rating: 793; [+|-]
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<Nosnam> Who?
<mystie> this dude on jeopardy, he was on his 20th return today
<Nosnam> Woah
<mystie> I didn't happen to catch if he won again today
<NeoHentaiMaster> he is a robot sent from the future to win the prize money so others cant
<NeoHentaiMaster> he will slowly drain the world economy until all collapses into chaos
<Nosnam> George Bush is on jeopardy? |
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Quote: 358042; Rating: 459; [+|-]
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<big_ernie> roses are red
<big_ernie> violets are blue
<big_ernie> my quote got rejected
<big_ernie> so i say "fuck you" |
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Quote: 358056; Rating: 880; [+|-]
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<Silellak> Do you remember the good old days, when bottle caps said "YOU WIN" or "YOU LOSE", rather than giving you some lame code you redeem at their ad-filled website?
<Silellak> I miss being told I'm a loser by a corporate product :( |
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Quote: 358180; Rating: 646; [+|-]
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<freemysoul> my bro's wife divorced him
<freemysoul> he's got a kid and all, too
<freemysoul> the kid decided to live with his mom
<detranova> poor kid
<atlantis> poor woman
<naisesom> your bro's a lucky bastard |
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Quote: 358194; Rating: 1412; [+|-]
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*** p00bear ([email protected]) has joined #cplusplus
<p00bear> hey hey
<p00bear> so can the boolean evaluated conditional expression achieve orgasm?
<asiib> ...
<p00bear> sure, it comes after a while!
<p00bear> :D
*** p00bear was kicked by Reagun (KK: i'm only kicking you cause i get it) |
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Quote: 358697; Rating: 489; [+|-]
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[+Mista] so how would I go about making a game?
[+DJ-Northern] 1- Hire a team of developers
[+DJ-Northern] 2- Spoof screenshots to create hype
[+DJ-Northern] 3- Buy an E3 booth
[+DJ-Northern] 4- Take your company public
[+DJ-Northern] 5- Disappear with the money before anybody asks for a product |
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Quote: 360206; Rating: 1398; [+|-]
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<Hunter> Someone asked me the difference between ignorance and apathy. I told her I don;t know and I don;t care |
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Quote: 361279; Rating: 690; [+|-]
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<Animaga> so, there's this panda bear
<Animaga> and he walks into Pizza Hut, orders some pizza, and sits down
<Animaga> once he's done eating, he takes a look at the bill and just goes to walk out
<Animaga> manager and server try to stop him, saying "you have to pay for your food"
<Animaga> so he pulls out a gun and shoots the place up
<Animaga> the workers are terrified, asking him what the hell he's doing
<Animaga> he hands them a dictionary, and turns the page to "panda bear"
<Animaga> it says "small black and white bear, native to asia.u00a0 eats shoots and leaves." |
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Quote: 361547; Rating: 2494; [+|-]
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<Beerman> I'm the top of the nick list
<Beerman> therefore I am the tallest
<Outsyder> i am in the middle of the nick list
<Outsyder> therefore i am the belly
<Beerman> does that make Sethur the naughty bits?
<Sethur> Hmmmm.
* Sethur is now known as Sethurrrrrrrrrrrr
<Sethurrrrrrrrrrrr> That's better.
<Beerman> you're still at the "naughty bits" area of the nick list
<Sethurrrrrrrrrrrr> Yes. That's why I made my nick longer |
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Quote: 361578; Rating: 3011; [+|-]
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<Slave>So good party round mine, wasn't it Duncan
<Player45> Hell yeh!
<Johanna>oh really?
<Player45>Yeh we all got completely fucked up, except the one problem
<Slave>Problem?
<Player45>Yeh, your sister and her electric toothbrush, hell she must have kept me up half the night using that thing, her teeth must be super clean
<Slave>Electric toothbrush? She doesn't have one, no one in my family has one
<Johanna>hmm..
<Slave>OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A FUCKING MOPED! |
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Quote: 361585; Rating: 843; [+|-]
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<zap> glow in the dark dildo... interesting
<zap> that would be disturbing if you didnt' know what it was and you were in a room with a person using it, in the dark
<zap> ooooh pretty glowing thing!
<zap> hey... it's getting shorter.. hey it disappeared... oh it's back...
<zap> what's it doing?
<zap> ooh... oooh?? AAH! |
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Quote: 361619; Rating: 686; [+|-]
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<GigaVirus> I've never had a firewall and never been hacked :/.
<GigaVirus> .
<GigaVirus> That was dumb to say. |
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Quote: 361620; Rating: 296; [+|-]
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MWellsSQaReD: Actually, I'm gonna go eat lunch, later gays.
MWellsSQaReD has left the room.
Sancilio Rules: mike wells just called us gay
Sancilio Rules: how should we feel? |
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Quote: 361677; Rating: 855; [+|-]
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<morphine_monkey> dude, my hair is getting so long
<spaceman_spiff> sweet, pretty soon it'll get as long as your penis
<morphine_monkey> STFU, my hair is longer than an inch |
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Quote: 361683; Rating: 270; [+|-]
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<Fire_Elemental-x-> Interviews suck in general
<apathy> I dunno...
<apathy> I used to like conducting them :)
<Fire_Elemental-x-> all that "where do you see yourself in 10 years" and "what are your strengths and weaknesses" crap
<apathy> heh, my questions were more along the lines of "tell me everything you know about the keyword 'const'"
<Fire_Elemental-x-> Next time someone asks me a 10 years question I'm gonna say "Where you are sitting"
<apathy> heh, then add "No wait, I thought you said 10 months."
<Fire_Elemental-x-> heh |
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Quote: 361695; Rating: 2437; [+|-]
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<Fjoder> I hate when ppl say they gonna call and then they dont
<Harvard> You sound like a girl.
<Fjoder> I am a girl
<Harvard> That explains it. |
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Quote: 362137; Rating: 10545; [+|-]
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<reo4k> just type /quit whoever, and it'll quit them from irc
* luckyb1tch has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* r3devl has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* sasopi has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* phhhfft has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* blackersnake has quit IRC (r`heaven)
<ibaN`reo4k[ex]> that's gotta hurt
<r`heaven> :( |
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Quote: 362423; Rating: 207; [+|-]
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@MetalMilitia{|cC|}: I never been to the states
@MetalMilitia{|cC|}: and I WILL NOT cross the boarder
@Raged|work: its better that way
@Raged|work: we don't need ya
@MetalMilitia{|cC|}: but ur women do ;)
@MetalMilitia{|cC|}: they all want some of my Canadian beef baby !
@Sile: i crossed the border into Canada at Niagra Falls once
@Sile: i was sitting there thinking "damn, the canadian chicks are hot!"
@Sile: then i realized that they were all american tourists |
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Quote: 362484; Rating: 351; [+|-]
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<Taco> I fear for my little cousin
<Taco> he's going to be a loser in school...
<Taco> you know how I know?
<Taco> Because he's very much like how I was at that age...
<Taco> :/ |
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Quote: 362774; Rating: 700; [+|-]
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<enjoi> why would you name condoms after a horse that hides all the invaders inside and then lets them go once theyre inside?
<ShodoPan-> i bet it's named after the viruses
<ShodoPan-> you know, they slip right in and the recipient doesn't even realize it
<ShodoPan-> oh shit that's not good either |
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Quote: 363094; Rating: 1459; [+|-]
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Strategy: what the fuck
Strategy: shipping cannot be 27$
Alpha: it better come in a wooden crate with a midget cradling the harddrive for that price |
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Quote: 363454; Rating: 1508; [+|-]
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genjer: so my sister asks me if this shirt makes her look fat
genjer: and I was like, "no the fat underneath does" |
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Quote: 363485; Rating: 1018; [+|-]
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<Big_Fat_Duck> wait its stuck at updating
<Big_Fat_Duck> 1 second left
<Big_Fat_Duck> read to play in approx. 1 second
<Diazo> it's a microsoft second |
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Quote: 363553; Rating: 1724; [+|-]
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<@Laplie|Gone> I just don't place periods at the end of my sentences every time.
<@TacoMaster> Periods are important...
<@TacoMaster> You start missing periods...
<@TacoMaster> Next thing you know...
<@TacoMaster> BLAMMO!
<@TacoMaster> Babies. |
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Quote: 363616; Rating: 739; [+|-]
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* Ksu eats a bowl of crappy generic macaroni
* SSL_Eefui idly drinks arsnic.
* Nigelenki stops fui o.o
<Nigelenki> arsenic isn't edible o.o;;
<Shadow> Yes, it is
<Shadow> But only once |
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Quote: 363820; Rating: 1810; [+|-]
|
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<Duzzy> today at work, i was cutting gras outside the local school.. and then a chick came up to me.. kissed me, squeezed my balls, gave me a note and the she ran of.. and i was like wtf?!? when I got my mind gathered I looked at the note and there was a phone number.. I should send an sms to it, and that was when I realized the bitch had stolen my cellphone =( |
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