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Quote: 945194; Rating: 293; [+|-]
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<T> I couldn't decided what I wanted so I just got one box of each type of fruit snacks, some gummy bears, and 5 pints of americone dream ice cream
<T> When I went up to the checkout, the lady looked at me like I was crazy after she finished ringing me up
<T> I'm not sure if it's cause I spent $100 on fruit snacks, or if it was cause I had a sword
<T> Anyway, so I tie the bag handles around the hilt of the sword, cause there's too many bags to carry, and I set off down the road
<T> nobody tries to stop me
<T> I get about 3 of the 6-7 blocks towards home down when a police cruiser pulls up beside me and tells me to put everything down and put my hands on my head
<T> Luckily, as I've said before, the cops in the UC/Converse area are cool as shit
<T> It's only SAPD that sucks
<T> So the first thing the cop says is "Is that a weapon son?", to which I reply "It's a sword, officer"
<T> So, I reply "No officer, I just wanted some fruit snacks."
<T> Now he's really giving me a look, and puts his spotlight right in my eyes
<T> He says "Are you high son?"
<T> "No officer, just a little drunk."
<T> He's like "Alright, well since you've been honest with me, let's get you home. Let me see your ID."
<T> So I give him my driver's license, he tells me to hop in the back, and he takes me to my house and drops me off
<T> I ate an entire box of fruit snacks in the back seat of a police cruiser
<T> He even let me keep my sword
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Quote: 945278; Rating: 749; [+|-]
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roadapathy: I never had any sisters when I was growing up. It sucks.
roadapathy: I had to find out how stupid girls are on my own.
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Quote: 945304; Rating: 112; [+|-]
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< cprofitt> just curious about postgres
< mhall119> it won't last long
< mhall119> curiousity will give way to confusion, then dislike
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Quote: 945317; Rating: 397; [+|-]
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* gg ([email protected]) has joined #Terraria
<gg> I just cut my hand with a knife while slicing a hotdog.
<@Sqozza> Awesome.
<gg> It happened because the phone rang. When I answered it, it was this clown I know named Steve.
<gg> He told me he had been to a graveyard and seen my name on six gravestones.
<gg> When I hung up the phone, I was surprised to notice my hand dripping blood faster than I'd anticipated from such a small wound.
<gg> Concerned, I bandaged the hand with a paper napkin, but realized there was butter on the napkin, and the butter had salt in it.
<gg> So, with a stinging hand, I ran cold water over the hand but the butter made the water slough off.
<gg> Then the doorbell rang.
<gg> I answered it. It was Steve again. He was holding a package for me and standing at a strange angle.
<gg> I took the package and slammed the door.
<gg> Opening the package, I noticed two things. 1) The package was unaddressed, and 2) my hand was still bleeding.
<@Sqozza> 3) Steve is awesome.
<gg> I ripped the package open and inside were five rusted nails and a jack rabbit's head.
<gg> I called Steve back, but he didn't answer.
<gg> Confused and bleeding, I tossed the box into the trash and sat back down on the couch to finish Dr. Who.
<TheBadShepperd> I knew this was going to end bad when you said you knew a clown.
<@Sqozza> Clowns these days
<gg> But the episode was strange. It was about to short people fighting over a rotten piece of meat.
<gg> The Dr. was nowhere to be seen.
<gg> I got out a T.V. Guide to see if I was mistaken about what I'd TiVo'd.
<@Sqozza> gg, maybe you were watching Jersey Shore instead
<gg> I wasn't. It was, indeed, Dr. Who. At least according to T.V. Guide.
<gg> I put the remote down and noticed that my hand was still bleeding.
<gg> Then I ate my hotdog.
<gg> Slowly.
* gg ([email protected]) has left #Terraria
<@Sqozza> What the fuck just happened
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Quote: 945387; Rating: 1352; [+|-]
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<IncoherentMoron> choose an integer between 1 and 35
<Elliotw2> F
<IncoherentMoron> base 10, smartass
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Quote: 945388; Rating: 186; [+|-]
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<david> i carry a 12 inch dildo, condom, thumb tack, 10 grapes, and a time magazine from 1992
<david> things do get wild
<HorseZilla> rookie
<mike> lol
<HorseZilla> you need a battery
<HorseZilla> candle wax
<HorseZilla> chains and a cinder block
<HorseZilla> oh and that speed glide lube that brad used to sell
<david> calm down macgyver
<david> im getting freaky, not escaping a haitian prison
<HorseZilla> you two are in vegas
<HorseZilla> and youre still fucking around here
<HorseZilla> what the fuck is wrong with you two?
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Quote: 945401; Rating: 619; [+|-]
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[talking about kuwait]
everbong: i almost got blowed up back in the day.. thats how i got the name everbong
MaxGripper: really?
MaxGripper: what happened?
everbong: this lady came up to a small group of us, saying something, and i was like "everbong?? wtf??" we started to walk away and she exploded
everbong: apparantly she was saying "i have a bomb" in fail english
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Quote: 945544; Rating: 445; [+|-]
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<byron> So, I was cleaning up my email inbox
<byron> and found these half-naked pictures of this girl I used to go out with
<byron> so I texted her, joking: "Hey, found you lingerie pictures on my email account. If you would like me to return them just give me your email address again pls"
<byron> and she actually texts me back with her email and a "thanks for returning them!"
<byron> what a stupid bitch
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Quote: 945578; Rating: 742; [+|-]
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TheSlapOfGod: People are horrible
TheSlapOfGod: You know the Oslo shooter guy?
TheSlapOfGod: Someone was asking what song he was playing on his ipod when he was at the camp shooting people
TheSlapOfGod: And the FIRST GOD DAMN RESPONSE was "Let the bodies hit the FJORD"
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Quote: 945605; Rating: 404; [+|-]
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lemonlimeskull: Room-mate spends so much time strung-out that he hasn't been taking out the trash, so I just started leaving the full bags all over the kitchen floor.
lemonlimeskull: Was all fun and games for me until he called 911 about the 'black midget gang'.
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Quote: 945607; Rating: 708; [+|-]
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<Tankero> Well, when the SWAT team comes through the window, I'm not going down without a fight. One of them is going to get a cat to the face.
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Quote: 945624; Rating: 409; [+|-]
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CandyKillJoy: Have you heard of Avenged Sevenfold?
Danktolker: Yeah, I went to one of their concert
CandyKillJoy: You're a fan?
Danktolker: Unfortunately something called a "mosh pit" broke out, which I misunderstood as a series of failed hug attempts
Danktolker: I was beaten rather severely after trying to join in
Danktolker: Learn from my mistakes, friends
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Quote: 945739; Rating: -71; [+|-]
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<GalliumArsenide> brb coffee and smoke.
<Dekoe> Me too brb, getting a lemonade and giving my dog a shag.
<FearlessSister> Can i watch?
<Dekoe> You'll need a mirror.
<Dekoe> ;-)
<FearlessSister> :-S
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Quote: 945740; Rating: -217; [+|-]
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<blackc> kastein: the real tire jeeped monday night, due to a potholr
<blackc> we have been operating the donut model
<blackc> however, the donut model today jeeped, due to pothole
<kastein> NEED RAID 6
<blackc> so i did what you would do
<kastein> this raid5 tire setup is not sufficient
<blackc> i pulled the jeeped real tire out of the back (hot spare) and hit it as hard as i could with a wrench until it was close to round
<blackc> jon brought the air pump
<blackc> and we were in business
<kastein> hahahaha you used a wrench?
<kastein> that's great
<blackc> yes
<blackc> i lacked a hammer
<blackc> and guess what
<blackc> now i can drive to driving class!
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Quote: 945854; Rating: 1131; [+|-]
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<onwsk8r>FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK
<onwsk8r>Holy buckets of fuck!
<onwsk8r>my neighbors that were leeching off my wireless must have fuckin moved or got their own internet or something.. No route to host.
<onwsk8r>I was keeping like 300 gigs of pr0n, movies, and some files for work that I didn't have room for on their computer!
<onwsk8r>I need an ARP for MAC addresses :(
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Quote: 945895; Rating: 148; [+|-]
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<slifty> You know why sex when camping is so great?
<slifty> Because it's fucking in tents!
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Quote: 946154; Rating: 20; [+|-]
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<RATA> FUCKING PISSED OFF
<SpaceCadet> BREATHE
<SpaceCadet> in through your nose, slowly exhale through your mouth
<SpaceCadet> BREATHE
<SpaceCadet> BREATHE
<RATA> IN THROUGH MY BONG
<RATA> OUT THROUGH MY MOUTH
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Quote: 946244; Rating: 293; [+|-]
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<Botbasher> talk about a bad friday, I was scalded by a Coffee Maker... Had my testes crushed by the same unit... I had to unstuck a garbage disposal..
<JackMcCornack> hehe ..
<JackMcCornack> So Botbasher hobbles into an ice cream shop and says to the gal behind the counter, <JackMcCornack> "I'm having a bad day, give me a rocky road ice cream cone with everything."
<JackMcCornack> "Crushed nuts?"
<JackMcCornack> "Yeah, I guess my walk gives it away. I got scalded too."
* GonzoRacer takes a bow
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Quote: 946254; Rating: 234; [+|-]
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<Kanitaria> ugh codi has a penis injury right now and can't have sex or masturbate and hes gettin really fuckin bitchy lol
<Kanitaria> plus hes not helping with any of the dishes or laundry this week cause im home he figures i'll do it all
<Kanitaria> fml
<random4t4x14> Kanitaria: what the hell did he do to his penis?
<GCNinja> so that ^^^^^^^^^^
<Gollom> Masturbated too hard?
<GCNinja> dick punch?
<Gollom> Tried to ride a bannister down the stairs but misjudged?
<GCNinja> modify the cowboy position?
<Gollom> Naked jumping jacks infront of a hungry dog?
<random4t4x14> drunk masterbated, stood up and fell over on it?
<GCNinja> did you staple it to his stomach?
<random4t4x14> penacne?
<Kanitaria> he did it to himself, i didn't do anything
<GCNinja> mis alligned chisity belt?
<GCNinja> chastity*
<random4t4x14> vasectomy?
<Kanitaria> he grabbed a shitty condom last week and it caused to much much friction and he tore his frenulum then the other day he thought he was good to go and it made3 it worse
<Gollom> Stuck it in a pencil sharpener "just to see what it's like"
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Quote: 946290; Rating: 518; [+|-]
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<syousef> Everytime you see something marketed as 'Cloud' based or 'Cloud' anything just mentally remove the word cloud from the product and add "For Suckers (TM)". You'll save yourself a lot of fuss, hassle and confusion.
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Quote: 946319; Rating: 390; [+|-]
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Oxim : I think it's funny how 1337 used to be like the language of nerds, but then everyone realized that it was gay, and now nerds everywhere strive to practice impeccable spelling and grammar
Wsr :We are like the blacks. When whites people tried to copy us, we changed. Fo shizzle ma nigga
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Quote: 946424; Rating: 333; [+|-]
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<Psychofreak> I have a kid (3 yo) with toys that do stuff and/or beep. Easily 100 AA batteries in JUST her toys. (although she does not play with many anymore so they are getting packed up for donation) Funny thing is we got her a wooden train set, no batteries at all, and now almost all the fancy electronic toys are
left alone! We will see if this holds true for more than a few weeks.
<Psychofreak> Amazing how much more powerful imagination is than batteries.
<Anonymous Coward> Try telling that to my wife.
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Quote: 946436; Rating: 672; [+|-]
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<SmilingDevil> My dad is saying that 9/11 was an inside job.
<SmilingDevil> Someone help me.
<Afforess> it was
<Afforess> the planes were inside the towers
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Quote: 946461; Rating: 1553; [+|-]
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<@joosa> how do you say float in java? just 1.5f?
<@Gliptic> FloatFactoryFactory.getInstance(FloatFactoryFactory.defaultInstanceDescriptionString).getFactory(Locale.getLocale("en-US")).createBuilder().setString("1.5").getResult()
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Quote: 946520; Rating: 372; [+|-]
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Matt: I AM QUERY OPTIMIZATION GUY
Matt: AND THIS... IS MY QUERY
Andy: wha?... WHO TOUCH MY QUERY?!
Matt: WHO TOUCHED MY JOINS!!??
Matt: Some users think they can outsmart me. Maybe... maybe. I have yet to meet one who can outsmart LIMIT.
Matt: She weighs in at 300 lines of SQL and she searches 8 million rows per second. It costs 24 billion machine cycles to run this query... for 12 seconds.
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Quote: 946687; Rating: 498; [+|-]
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<h00k> making a twitter bot to watch a timeline of a certain (prominent public figure, politician) and tell him he had [x] amount of characters left when he tweets
<h00k> 'went 2 $place 2 talk about r jobs'
<h00k> Dear @personsname, you had [x] characters remaining and didn't have to shorten it so much. #pleasestop'
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Quote: 946729; Rating: 160; [+|-]
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<@RATA> stupid women
<@RATA> "i wanna hang out but i dont have gas money"
<@RATA> thats slut for "spend your money on me"
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Quote: 946740; Rating: 318; [+|-]
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<vanguard> i lie awake at night
<vanguard> thinking about how one day
<vanguard> buy some chance of dumb luck
<Redback> you will write your whole story on one line?
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Quote: 946745; Rating: 1230; [+|-]
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<Vrooom> while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!"
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Quote: 946779; Rating: -7; [+|-]
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<Faust> lol
<Faust> when sarah pailn wishes me happy new year it feels like a hate crime
<lumpy_> you arent a jew
<Faust> the fuck im not
<lumpy_> ive never seen you at the meetings
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Quote: 947055; Rating: 1680; [+|-]
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<@gongoputch> so my 12 year old has been BEGGING me for a minecraft server. I told him 'OK', he said YEA!', I say 'but you have to install the OS (FreeBSD), configure it, set up a jail and generally learn enough to admin it.
<@gongoputch> he hates me now
<@gongoputch> BUT - he got it running :)
<@gongoputch> after it was going, he looked up at me and said 'This OS is the logical thing I have ever seen'
<@gongoputch> ... it's little moments like those ...
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Quote: 947426; Rating: 326; [+|-]
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<megate> solve
<megate> The word has 7 letters, preceded by God, greater than God, more evil than the devil, and if you eat it, you will die.
<+Jigsy> Apple only has six letters.
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Quote: 947444; Rating: 2263; [+|-]
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//
// Dear maintainer:
//
// Once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine,
// and have realized what a terrible mistake that was,
// please increment the following counter as a warning
// to the next guy:
//
// total_hours_wasted_here = 25
//
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Quote: 947449; Rating: -256; [+|-]
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<blaxthos> so what are you guys doing for pedophile christmas^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hhalloween this year?
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Quote: 947562; Rating: 1297; [+|-]
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<@red> so let me rephrase that
<@red> you showed up at work completely high on acid and your boss didnt fire you because he knows you code better when youre on drugs?
<@bl00e> pretty much
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Quote: 947873; Rating: 25; [+|-]
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<+zubby> strawberry barium shake anyone?
* Heartsbane passes.
* zubby just did, too...
<+zubby> had me drink 2 24oz cups of it. fell in love with the nurse.
<+zubby> she kept pulling her phone out... i couldn't mimic...
<+zubby> she asked if i knew how to hack facebook cuz she 'likes to snoop'
* Heartsbane nods.
<+zubby> as we said our goodbyes she let her hair down and i swear it was in slow motion
<+zubby> should i have added the part that i'm shitting what appears to be milk and clay?
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Quote: 947876; Rating: 2156; [+|-]
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<socket7> I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection.
<socket7> But she did :(
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Quote: 947908; Rating: 755; [+|-]
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<Quizzer> Question 45: What are the first three digits of pi?
<emai420> pie
<emai420> p i e
<emai420> Pie
<emai420> P I E
<emai420> PIE
<emai420> PIE
<emai420> PIE
<Quizzer> Hint: 3.
<emai420> 3PIE
<emai420> 3 P I E
<emai420> 3pie
<Quizzer> Time's up, the answer was 3.14!
<emai420> this si retartet
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Quote: 947918; Rating: 66; [+|-]
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< Maiden945> oh that reminds me, i got told a story about Jerub on the weekend :)
< dawnstar> it's probably true
< Maiden945> i was told about the time Jerub did a burnout (or tried to :P) out of a ex-gf's street while they were dating lol
< zero> he must have pedalled like crazy for that
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Quote: 947920; Rating: 344; [+|-]
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<&Cenobite> I'd like to holiday in China
<&Cenobite> I want to see the great firewall
<+user> haha
<+user> you can see it from myspace
<+flying_purple_people_eater> lol
<&Cenobite> user: haha
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Quote: 947980; Rating: 531; [+|-]
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<Brownie> That guy's such a nerd, his first words probably were "Hello World!"
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Quote: 947988; Rating: 478; [+|-]
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<skydrome> man why are there so many diff aur packages of chromium :/ so confusing
<xhazk> skydrome: No manual entry for why are there so many diff aur packages of chromium :/ so confusing
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Quote: 948110; Rating: 1921; [+|-]
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<Matt> A catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.
<Matt> He orders a beer.
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Quote: 948243; Rating: 226; [+|-]
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Captain Morgan: I swear I'm going to kill whoever lives above me
Saiu: the chair again?
Captain Morgan: it's like he's playing ddr with combat boots
Captain Morgan: and jumping as hard as he can
Captain Morgan is now Away.
Saiu: uh-oh
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Quote: 948253; Rating: 139; [+|-]
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<+GeoFrey> CINCINNATI - A court official in the U.S. says a 13-year-old boy charged with raping a 5-year-old girl at a McDonald's play area is denying the accusation.
<+GeoFrey> lol wtf?
<+farted> I'm lovin' it
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Quote: 948269; Rating: 347; [+|-]
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<jeemer> you know, come to think of it i already have a 5 gallon aquarium
<jeemer> hundreds of billions of pets
<jeemer> i feed them malt and they shit out alcohol
<jeemer> its a pretty good system actually
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Quote: 948420; Rating: 341; [+|-]
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<tfair> is there an amazon service that will have something delivered to you at a random point in the next month?
<tfair> or in the next year?
<dRdR> tfair: that's called USPS
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Quote: 948428; Rating: 220; [+|-]
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Psyche: My roommate and her boyfriend broke up recently.
Psyche: This morning a moving truck came to get the boyfriend's stuff.
Psyche: On the side of the moving truck? It was an ad for a disaster cleanup company.
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Quote: 948442; Rating: 880; [+|-]
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<blaxthos> so tonight i got roped into going to some evangelical church christmas dinner theatre
<blaxthos> "oh christmas, carol!"
<cue> evangelicals are morons
<blaxthos> it was absolutely godawful
<blaxthos> until the last musical number, where the main character realized she has a hole in her heart
<blaxthos> and sang a song entitled "i'm going to fill my hole with jesus"
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Quote: 948538; Rating: 501; [+|-]
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<girl> so what's new?
<jsn> just got out of an abusive relationship
<girl> whoa, what happened?
<jsn> decided to stop abusing her
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